I miss him, but that feeling comes and goes. I dream about him, and that’s when I miss him more.
I’m single for the first time in two years. Funny how when you could just be picking up all of the pieces of yourself. Trying to make yourself the best version of you. You finally get there, only to be single and not be able to share your growth with the person you love. So, I’m single for the first time in two years and one of the best versions of myself that I could be right now. Yes, I still have wounds I need to heal and things I need to work on. But, knowing is half the battle right? So, I’m single for the first time in two years, the best version of myself that I could be right now – with upgrades to come, and I’ve never been most lost.
Painfully, I changed “is” to “was.”
That is how I feel. Hurt.
*This is a long post*
When I first started my blog, I stated that I would try and post every day. If not every day, then at least once a week. Yet, about six weeks in and I haven’t accomplished either goal. Life always manages to get in the way, so I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not keeping my word.
This week has been pretty rough. My partner and I decided to take a bit of a break so that we could reevaluate if we still wanted the same things out of our relationship. I must say that not talking to him every day was pretty difficult. However, after a while, it got easier. It made me realize that if we ever did break up, I would be fine. It would hurt for a long while, but eventually, I would be okay. The other thing it made me realize was that I didn’t want him to not be in my life. He really is my best friend, and even with our fights/disagreements, one thing remains true: I love him and he loves me. Maybe, just maybe, love won’t be enough. I know we’re young and we have a lot to work on, but as long as we still want the same thing, which we do, I think we’ll be fine.
I bought Raptors tickets before we took our break, and the game was on Tuesday. So we decided that we would keep our distance and just meet up for the game. But that plan made me really anxious. I thought it might be weird – going from not talking to talking all of a sudden. As a result, he asked to see me the night before and it went very well. It was nice being around him again, laughing for no reason, making fun of him. Nonetheless, reality hit when we woke up the next morning. I had such a good sleep, sleeping beside him always put me at peace – unless he was stealing the covers in the middle of the night. We were getting ready to start our day, and I did the same thing most people did in the morning – check their social media.
It was on Snapchat that I discovered that my grandmother passed away. I walked to the bathroom in a daze to talk to my partner to let him know and cried. I really didn’t know how to feel or how I should feel now – two days later and I’m still in shocked. I officially have no living grandparents. It just sucked discovering such personal news on social media, but what should I expect when I haven’t spoken to my grandmother or dad’s side of the family in almost three years. It just sucked discovering that news the day of a very important interview, the day of my partner’s first Raptor’s game. I really wanted Tuesday to be special for him and us, especially after everything that was happening between us. I just wanted a carefree, stress-free, panic attack free day, light-hearted-day, and it didn’t happen. It never does.
Now I’m more anxious than I was, my eye is constantly twitching, my energy is so low, and I don’t want to do anything. My partner knows this, he knows how I get when I’m grieving – he was around when my grandfather passed away last year in October. I know he wants to be there for me, be my support system but I’m scared to lean on him. I wanted our relationship to be light and fluffy for a while, and instead, it’s serious with talks of anxiety disorder and death.
Life always manages to get in the way. It seems like I’m always just holding on by a thread. Now I have to think about attending a funeral and being around my other side of my family. A side of my family that has so much drama and issues that I could write at least five novels on them. I can’t even fathom going to the funeral on my own, having to deal with all of that negativity on my own. Dealing with my ‘father’ always puts me in a runt for like a week, it sucks knowing that even after three years he’s still able to get under my skin.
Anyways, my life is a mess. This is why I haven’t been able to post every day or once a week. Unfortunately, I don’t think that will change anytime soon…
It’s not worth it anymore. It’s not.
One of my coworkers of color came up to me and said, “I love that you are wearing a headscarf.” This brings me life. I’m so happy!