Thoughts become your Reality.
Thoughts become your Reality.
Everyone is different. The way that people react to things are different. You could think about every possible outcome, and still have the conclusion be completely different from the scenarios you pictured because you can’t account for people’s behaviours or reactions.
I’m a pretty open book about what I expect from the people in my life. Honesty and Communication. Plus the unpopular thought, omission is lying to me.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an empath or if I’m just wired this way, but I feel things really strongly. I’ve been called overly emotional, sensitive, and some other not so classy words. However, I’ve ALWAYS been this way since I was kid.
Fast forward to today I got some pretty upsetting news. Someone I considered to be my close friend is moving away to Quebec. I think under normal circumstances that information would be upsetting. Nonetheless, I was also told that she was leaving on Tuesday.
Let’s just put this aside for a second, and give you some context.
I haven’t seen her since June. We’ve been trying to see each other but busy schedules, it’s something you come to accept with old age. Today was one of the only days we could meet. We had plans to go clubbing, let loose. After the week I had, i was REALLY looking forward to it. I needed this. I had already started drinking and smoking – getting ready for our night out, but when I got to the hotel. She told me she was leaving on Tuesday.
It’s not just the news that’s bothering me. It’s the fact that I felt lied too again by someone who’s suppose to have my back. Why led me to the hotel with this vision of having a fun night out when she knew she was going to tell me this? Why not tell me before so we could have one night of fun before she left? Why tell me before we were supposed to go? I wonder if she thought she would tell me and we would go out and still go clubbing. Lastly, why tell me 3 days before you’re supposed to leave when I’m supposed to be someone you value?
Again, everyone is different and she had her reasonings. BUT I’ve been in that exact position before – getting summoned to have fun only to be told bad news when you weren’t expecting it? Especially when I’m living with PTSD/anxiety, frigging control is sooo important to me, and it was the third time this week that that was taken from me.
I tried to get myself under control, but I couldn’t. She tried to get me to stay and talk to her, but I couldn’t. I was in the midst of having a panic attack and I had to leave, so that’s what I did. I had to leave to take care of myself. To get myself under control, and to not lose control on her when I knew I wasn’t just upset about this situation. When I knew I was upset about my missing friend, my breakup, and my other-friend crossing a line. When I knew having news dropped on me like this reminded me of a time someone else did the same thing, but she waited till we actually got to the club because telling me on the dance floor what was happening in her life.
Everyone is different. Moreover, you don’t know what’s happening in someone’s life. The idiom goes, “Its the last straw that broke the camels back. Maybe if this wasn’t the only thing happening with my friends, then I could have handled it better. Nonetheless, that’s not what happened. In reality, her news was “the last straw” for my back and I broke.
I wish I could have handled the situation better, but I did the best I could. Furthermore, she might not agree with me, but I’m proud of myself. If this was old-me, I would have said so many things I couldn’t take back, instead I removed myself from the situation – something my ex has been asking me to learn for years.
Yes, leaving and not talking about the situation is bad. BUT exploding and not being able to take back the things I said is worst, and I choose the ladder.
Timing is everything. I wasn’t read to have that conversation at that moment, maybe that was selfish of me. As time goes on, I’m starting to learn that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. Sometimes being selfishness is the only way to take care of yourself. Frankly, I’m tired of being put in the position where I have to either choose to be supportive or choose to do what’s best for me. I was selfless for the majority of my life, I think it’s time I start doing me.
When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was absolutely reluctant to get treatment. I did my research – and by that I mean – I googled it, and I knew there were option two options.
Option 1: Talk about my sexual abuse and PTSD, in order to find ways to cope.
Option 2: Get on pills.
Honestly y’all, neither seemed like a viable option. However, you know what was – tree. It was so much easier and socially acceptable to be a stoner than it was to admit that I needed treatment.
Fast forward into the future, and I decided to get treatment. Oddly enough, talking about it with a social worker didn’t help. So, I went with Option 2. I am maybe 4 months in, maybe longer or shorter, and I feel great.
It does suck to have to pop pills everyday, but that’s a small price to pay for all that I’ve gained. To not have random panic attacks, days of not wanting to do anything, days of being overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. So many days lost feeling like shit. I told my partner that I didn’t feel like myself for almost 6 months. 6 months of me walking into the world, and interacting with people acting like I was okay. 6 months of me feeling like I was silently drowning in thoughts.
Nonetheless, those are days I can’t get back, BUT being on treatment, I feel like myself. I feel like this is a good thing, even if it took modern medication to get me here.
One of my friends used to say, ” Everything is a learning experience.” It used to irritate the SHIT out of me. I would be crying about-how-some-guy-I-thought-was-the-one-ended-up-being-a dick, and she would sit there and nod, while whisper comforting things. Then say,
Everything is a learning experience.
Eventually, I realized she was right. This is why I can say I learnt something from my ex, despite all the shit he put me through. Yes, this sounds like a cliché. Nonetheless, it’s true. Even he knows it. (We’ve discussed this topic in the past.)
Before I tell you the lesson, another tangent. – I used to be a very selfless person.
With that said, the lesson my ex taught me is that it’s okay to be selfish. I always put everyone’s needs above my own. I got so used to giving, and giving, and giving. I forget what it was like to care for myself.
My ex forced me to care about me. He forced me to think about what would make me happy, and honestly it wasn’t until I met him that I started thinking about anything other than surviving. But, it wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I started living.
Universal, they say, “Some people come into your life for a season, and some come for a lifetime. Never mix seasonal people for lifetime expectations.” With this quote in mind, in the comment section, tell me about an experience where a seasonal person taught you a lifetime lesson.
“Almost none of us commit suicide. Almost all of us self destruct. It can come in the form of an urge to drink, smoke, overeat, or even wreck a perfectly happy career or marriage.”
I was watching the movie “Annihilation” last night, and a theme that was portrayed in movie really stuck with me. The concept that I can NOT get out of my head is the concept of “self-destruction.”
I realllly liked the idea that everyone can self-destruct or self-sabotage. “Annihilation” does an amazing job of showing how different people can self-destruct. It was a really good insight into the human mind and psychology.
For example, one character chooses to deny her addiction and corrupt lifestyle, and in the end she ends up succumbing to her inner rage. Another, devotes herself to external mysteries (religion or a higher power) as a way to scapegoat her inability to understand her own problem. Some simply accept their self-destructing ways as unavoidable and become their demise. Some allow themselves to be consumed by their problems until they become shells of pain and torture those around them. Some will do anything to avoid their pain they’ve been expose to emotionally and physically. Lastly, some acknowledge their mistakes and are consumed with self-loathe. In the end, they end up seeking out misery as a penance for their sins.
Which ever form of self-destruction the character has, the result is the same in all cases: we are all doomed to the same fate if we allow patterns of self-destruction to continue in our lives. In the end, we all become something different than who we were before. We become someone else.
I challenge you to examine your life and detect the form of self-destruction you use in your life. I challenge you to spot it and change it before it rules your life. I challenge you to break the cycle. I challenge you to live your best life without apologies. I challenge you to be you.
Now, I am not saying saying “my boss was a dick” because he is no longer one, I am saying “my boss was a dick” because I am not longer working for him.
When I got my first full-time permanent position I was excited; even though, it wasn’t in my field of study. I was ecstatic because I was 22 going on 23 years old, making 33K a year with relatively no bills. If I added everything up, I probably spent $500 on bills a month, which left plenty of money for me, food and alcohol.
Nonetheless, after my first month on the job, my boss – the woman who hired me – was fired, and less than two days later a new dickish boss started working. I tried, I really did try to make the best of a bad situation. I tried to make him feel at home, to feel welcome. However, two months into the job and I was miserable.
He made all these empty promises. He gave out half-ish compliments such as “you actually did your job well.” He made rude and unnecessary questions – “what are you doing? What do I pay you eight hours a day for?” I was the Activities Director. I planned and hosted activities, organized major events and sold trips to the students. After planning a Holiday Party for 200+ students and staff, several staff members and students LOVED the party. Activites. Games. Food. Beverages. It was a lot of work, but it was really well done. Nevertheless, my boss found me and said nothing. Actually, not nothing, he basically said it wasn’t a disaster and would have been better if I had alcohol. Alcohol for a school events with minors. *include face palm here*
Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m young, but I’m not naive. I know part of the gig is working with people you don’t get a long with. I know that there will be personalities clashes, BUT I shouldn’t wake up every morning dreading going into work because of ONE person. I shouldn’t have anxiety attacks when hearing my bosses voice. Nor do I need to be recognized for the work I accomplished, but the very least I should feel appreciated, and I didn’t. Simply put, I wasn’t appreciated because I wasn’t.
As a result, I did what any person in my position would do – I found another job. It took about 4 months, but I am NOW employed with Indeed. I’m very happy and excited to be working with this company. I haven’t even started and I feel more welcomed and at home with Indeed, then I did at my previous job. I’m making more money and I finally have benefits – something my dickish boss has been “working” on for 6 months.
Anyways, I could ramble and give examples as to why he was dick; in addition to why I and other didn’t like him BUT we reached the part of the story where I got my revenge.
Ever since my new boss was hired, he made it very clear that he believed my position in the organization was unnecessary. He made it clear that he thought planning and executing activities for 100+ students was easy. Even when the auditor stated that the students loved “the teachers and the activities” – activities that I planed, he rolled his eyes and walked away. As if it was ungodly for the students to actual appreciate my position.
This, when I received my offer from Indeed, I gave my current employee two weeks notice. However, at the end of week one, I dreaded coming into work. Just knowing I had to see him and deal with him for another week brought me physical dread and anxiety, so I emailed him and told him I wouldn’t be coming into work that week.
Was what I did unprofessional? 100%
Do I care? NOT AT ALL!
When you’re a boss, when you’re in a position of power- your personality and presence makes or breaks a workplace. Your employees don’t owe anything to the organization or the job, but their loyalty to their boss will either make them stay or leave. People will give up promotions or wage increases, if it means working with a good boss. In other words, who you work with is JUST as important if not MORE important than who you work for…
All I’ve been thinking this extra week off is – since my position is so unnecessary and easy, good luck hiring and training someone to do “nothing.”
How you treat people matters, and if you treat them like shit – best believe karma will come and kick you in the ass.
*This is a long post*
When I first started my blog, I stated that I would try and post every day. If not every day, then at least once a week. Yet, about six weeks in and I haven’t accomplished either goal. Life always manages to get in the way, so I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not keeping my word.
This week has been pretty rough. My partner and I decided to take a bit of a break so that we could reevaluate if we still wanted the same things out of our relationship. I must say that not talking to him every day was pretty difficult. However, after a while, it got easier. It made me realize that if we ever did break up, I would be fine. It would hurt for a long while, but eventually, I would be okay. The other thing it made me realize was that I didn’t want him to not be in my life. He really is my best friend, and even with our fights/disagreements, one thing remains true: I love him and he loves me. Maybe, just maybe, love won’t be enough. I know we’re young and we have a lot to work on, but as long as we still want the same thing, which we do, I think we’ll be fine.
I bought Raptors tickets before we took our break, and the game was on Tuesday. So we decided that we would keep our distance and just meet up for the game. But that plan made me really anxious. I thought it might be weird – going from not talking to talking all of a sudden. As a result, he asked to see me the night before and it went very well. It was nice being around him again, laughing for no reason, making fun of him. Nonetheless, reality hit when we woke up the next morning. I had such a good sleep, sleeping beside him always put me at peace – unless he was stealing the covers in the middle of the night. We were getting ready to start our day, and I did the same thing most people did in the morning – check their social media.
It was on Snapchat that I discovered that my grandmother passed away. I walked to the bathroom in a daze to talk to my partner to let him know and cried. I really didn’t know how to feel or how I should feel now – two days later and I’m still in shocked. I officially have no living grandparents. It just sucked discovering such personal news on social media, but what should I expect when I haven’t spoken to my grandmother or dad’s side of the family in almost three years. It just sucked discovering that news the day of a very important interview, the day of my partner’s first Raptor’s game. I really wanted Tuesday to be special for him and us, especially after everything that was happening between us. I just wanted a carefree, stress-free, panic attack free day, light-hearted-day, and it didn’t happen. It never does.
Now I’m more anxious than I was, my eye is constantly twitching, my energy is so low, and I don’t want to do anything. My partner knows this, he knows how I get when I’m grieving – he was around when my grandfather passed away last year in October. I know he wants to be there for me, be my support system but I’m scared to lean on him. I wanted our relationship to be light and fluffy for a while, and instead, it’s serious with talks of anxiety disorder and death.
Life always manages to get in the way. It seems like I’m always just holding on by a thread. Now I have to think about attending a funeral and being around my other side of my family. A side of my family that has so much drama and issues that I could write at least five novels on them. I can’t even fathom going to the funeral on my own, having to deal with all of that negativity on my own. Dealing with my ‘father’ always puts me in a runt for like a week, it sucks knowing that even after three years he’s still able to get under my skin.
Anyways, my life is a mess. This is why I haven’t been able to post every day or once a week. Unfortunately, I don’t think that will change anytime soon…