A Fleeting Moment

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I could feel him watching the side of my face like skin basking in sunlight, getting warmer and warmer. While he was trying to assess the situation, I was blushing like a school girl with a crush. I definitely made it easy for him because I was comfortable. I was comfortable.  A lot more comfortable than I thought I would be with a stranger. A lot more vulnerable than I thought the Scorpio in me would allow.

When he looked at me, I felt like he was looking into my soul. He said I was easy to read. A remark I never heard before. I found it quite interesting, but his reasoning is what got me. 

“You’re quite easy to read if you know where to look. Your eyes are quite revealing.” 

He was intentionally looking at me, so that he could see me. The unbelievable thing is one night together, and he did. He saw every uncertain thought that crossed my mind, any moment of discomfort or concern. He saw it all, without me having to say a word. He was so intuned with me and my energy that he could already tell when something was off. That’s when I knew – I was ready to surrender myself and go with what felt right instead of what seemed right.

I leaned into him, only a little. Just enough to let him know that he could, that I wanted him too. He looked at me before he met my lips, but when he kissed me it was slow at first, then very deliberate.  His hands moved to the back of my neck to pull me in and my body went flushed against his. I could feel myself moan into his lips ever so slightly. In that moment, that fleeting moment, I was his.

Maybe the word I used earlier was little unfair – a stranger – because he didn’t feel that way to me. He touched me and I felt myself melt into him, but only a little. It felt like I knew him before, definitely not in this lifetime, but I knew him, I knew that much. 

Now, here I am, sitting here writing about this moment. This beautiful moment that I was able to experience. This fleeting moment of bliss that I can’t get out of my mind.A moment that inspired and energized me. A moment that would never happen if I didn’t just let go and surrender. 

When I was with him, he asked”Why do you keep running from it?” It was a very good question. A question I am sure my subconscious knew the answer too, but I didn’t. So, I stopped running and I started feeling.

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The Lesson from my Ex

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One of my friends used to say, ” Everything is a learning experience.” It used to irritate the SHIT out of me. I would be crying about-how-some-guy-I-thought-was-the-one-ended-up-being-a dick, and she would sit there and nod, while whisper comforting things. Then say,

Everything is a learning experience.

Eventually, I realized she was right. This is why I can say I learnt something from my ex, despite all the shit he put me through. Yes, this sounds like a cliché. Nonetheless, it’s true. Even he knows it. (We’ve discussed this topic in the past.)

Before I tell you the lesson, another tangent. – I used to be a very selfless person.

With that said, the lesson my ex taught me is that it’s okay to be selfish. I always put everyone’s needs above my own. I got so used to giving, and giving, and giving. I forget what it was like to care for myself.

My ex forced me to care about me. He forced me to think about what would make me happy, and honestly it wasn’t until I met him that I started thinking about anything other than surviving. But, it wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I started living.

Universal, they say, “Some people come into your life for a season, and some come for a lifetime. Never mix seasonal people for lifetime expectations.With this quote in mind, in the comment section, tell me about an experience where a seasonal person taught you a lifetime lesson.

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Painfully, I changed “is” to “was.”

My Boss WAS a Dick

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Now, I am not saying saying “my boss was a dick” because he is no longer one, I am saying “my boss was a dick” because I am not longer working for him.

When I got my first full-time permanent position I was excited; even though, it wasn’t in my field of study. I was ecstatic because I was 22 going on 23 years old, making 33K a year with relatively no bills. If I added everything up, I probably spent $500 on bills a month, which left plenty of money for me, food and alcohol.

Nonetheless, after my first month on the job, my boss – the woman who hired me – was fired, and less than two days later a new dickish boss started working. I tried, I really did try to make the best of a bad situation. I tried to make him feel at home, to feel welcome. However, two months into the job and I was miserable.

He made all these empty promises. He gave out half-ish compliments such as “you actually did your job well.” He made rude and unnecessary questions – “what are you doing? What do I pay you eight hours a day for?” I was the Activities Director. I planned and hosted activities, organized major events and sold trips to the students. After planning a Holiday Party for 200+ students and staff, several staff members and students LOVED the party. Activites. Games. Food. Beverages. It was a lot of work, but it was really well done. Nevertheless, my boss found me and said nothing. Actually, not nothing, he basically said it wasn’t a disaster and would have been better if I had alcohol. Alcohol for a school events with minors. *include face palm here*

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m young, but I’m not naive. I know part of the gig is working with people you don’t get a long with. I know that there will be personalities clashes, BUT I shouldn’t wake up every morning dreading going into work because of ONE person. I shouldn’t have anxiety attacks when hearing my bosses voice. Nor do I need to be recognized for the work I accomplished, but the very least I should feel appreciated, and I didn’t. Simply put, I wasn’t appreciated because I wasn’t.

As a result, I did what any person in my position would do – I found another job. It took about 4 months, but I am NOW employed with Indeed. I’m very happy and excited to be working with this company. I haven’t even started and I feel more welcomed and at home with Indeed, then I did at my previous job. I’m making more money and I finally have benefits – something my dickish boss has been “working” on for 6 months.

Anyways, I could ramble and give examples as to why he was dick; in addition to why I and other didn’t like him BUT we reached the part of the story where I got my revenge.

Ever since my new boss was hired, he made it very clear that he believed my position in the organization was unnecessary. He made it clear that he thought planning and executing activities for 100+ students was easy. Even when the auditor stated that the students loved “the teachers and the activities” – activities that I planed, he rolled his eyes and walked away. As if it was ungodly for the students to actual appreciate my position.

This, when I received my offer from Indeed, I gave my current employee two weeks notice. However, at the end of week one, I dreaded coming into work. Just knowing I had to see him and deal with him for another week brought me physical dread and anxiety, so I emailed him and told him I wouldn’t be coming into work that week.

Was what I did unprofessional? 100%

Do I care? NOT AT ALL!

When you’re a boss, when you’re in a position of power- your personality and presence makes or breaks a workplace. Your employees don’t owe anything to the organization or the job, but their loyalty to their boss will either make them stay or leave. People will give up promotions or wage increases, if it means working with a good boss. In other words, who you work with is JUST as important if not MORE important than who you work for

All I’ve been thinking this extra week off is – since my position is so unnecessary and easy, good luck hiring and training someone to do “nothing.”

How you treat people matters, and if you treat them like shit – best believe karma will come and kick you in the ass.

I’m Sorry – My Life is a Mess

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*This is a long post*

When I first started my blog, I stated that I would try and post every day. If not every day, then at least once a week. Yet, about six weeks in and I haven’t accomplished either goal. Life always manages to get in the way, so I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not keeping my word.

i'm sorry meme

This week has been pretty rough. My partner and I decided to take a bit of a break so that we could reevaluate if we still wanted the same things out of our relationship. I must say that not talking to him every day was pretty difficult. However, after a while, it got easier. It made me realize that if we ever did break up, I would be fine. It would hurt for a long while, but eventually, I would be okay. The other thing it made me realize was that I didn’t want him to not be in my life. He really is my best friend, and even with our fights/disagreements, one thing remains true: I love him and he loves me. Maybe, just maybe, love won’t be enough. I know we’re young and we have a lot to work on, but as long as we still want the same thing, which we do, I think we’ll be fine.

I bought Raptors tickets before we took our break, and the game was on Tuesday. So we decided that we would keep our distance and just meet up for the game. But that plan made me really anxious. I thought it might be weird – going from not talking to talking all of a sudden. As a result, he asked to see me the night before and it went very well. It was nice being around him again, laughing for no reason, making fun of him. Nonetheless, reality hit when we woke up the next morning. I had such a good sleep, sleeping beside him always put me at peace –  unless he was stealing the covers in the middle of the night. We were getting ready to start our day, and I did the same thing most people did in the morning – check their social media.

It was on Snapchat that I discovered that my grandmother passed away. I walked to the bathroom in a daze to talk to my partner to let him know and cried. I really didn’t know how to feel or how I should feel now – two days later and I’m still in shocked. I officially have no living grandparents.  It just sucked discovering such personal news on social media, but what should I expect when I haven’t spoken to my grandmother or dad’s side of the family in almost three years. It just sucked discovering that news the day of a very important interview, the day of my partner’s first Raptor’s game. I really wanted Tuesday to be special for him and us, especially after everything that was happening between us. I just wanted a carefree, stress-free, panic attack free day, light-hearted-day, and it didn’t happen. It never does.

Now I’m more anxious than I was, my eye is constantly twitching, my energy is so low, and I don’t want to do anything. My partner knows this, he knows how I get when I’m grieving – he was around when my grandfather passed away last year in October. I know he wants to be there for me, be my support system but I’m scared to lean on him. I wanted our relationship to be light and fluffy for a while, and instead, it’s serious with talks of anxiety disorder and death.

Life always manages to get in the way. It seems like I’m always just holding on by a thread. Now I have to think about attending a funeral and being around my other side of my family. A side of my family that has so much drama and issues that I could write at least five novels on them. I can’t even fathom going to the funeral on my own, having to deal with all of that negativity on my own. Dealing with my ‘father’ always puts me in a runt for like a week, it sucks knowing that even after three years he’s still able to get under my skin.

Anyways, my life is a mess. This is why I haven’t been able to post every day or once a week. Unfortunately, I don’t think that will change anytime soon…

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Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point. – Blaise Pascal

Tell Me

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“Tell me you don’t love me” she pleaded with tears in her eyes. “Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave. You’ll never hear from me again.”

She searched his face, waiting for him to utter the words she knew would break her heart. Waiting to hear the words she needed to hear to move on.  Words that would absolutely destroy her hopes – dreams of building a future together, dreams of children, dreams of a happy life with him.

“Tell me.” She didn’t mean for it to come out as desperate as it did. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted anymore. Did she want the freedom or did she want him? Was she ready to lose him or was all of this worth it? She couldn’t even answer her own questions. Simply put, she just wasn’t sure anymore…

As she looked him in his eyes, she could see that he was struggling. He was struggling to say what she needed to hear. She turned her back to him, and made her way to the door. Ready to accept the unspoken truth – it was done.

She put her right hand on the doorknob and felt a hand in her left hand. “I can’t tell you that.” he said looking at her.  “I can’t tell you I don’t love you because it wouldn’t be true.”

In this moment, she still wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure if she should stay or go. If she should give up or try again. If everything he said and did was forgivable, if she even wanted to forgive him. But with all of her doubts, one thing remain true – she loved him. So what – they fought, couples fight. Sure, they had things to work on, but so does everyone. The real question is – are these things deal breakers? 

As her mind raced, his mouth scrambled to say everything he needed before she left. ” I love you. I’m sorry. I messed up. I want to be with you. Don’t leave. If I let you walk out the door, I’ll regret it.”

She heard him, heard everything he just said and everything that was told beforehand in a fit of anger.  She heard him, and she thought about it. She looked at him, and saw the regret in his eyes. She saw the man she loved looking down on her. She knew he meant it, knew he was right. If she left, she would regret it too.

Silently, she let him lead her back to the bedroom. While he unbuttoned her jacket, she stood still. When she sat on the bed, he ever-so gently took off her shoes. When he was done, he rocked her tenderly as she sat in his lap and cried.  She looked up and saw the tears that were in his eyes, just waiting to fall. At that moment, there was nothing more to say.  Yet again, love won and logic lost. Yet again, the heart had reasons that reason, did not understand.