Losing Yourself

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The thing about losing yourself is that you don’t realize it until its too late. You don’t realize it until you look back and the “you” you knew is no longer there. You lose yourself, over time. Little pieces of you. 

Every time you say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

Every time you want to say something, but choose to remain silent.

Every time you dim yourself to let someone else shine.

Every time you make yourself feel small. 

Losing yourself never happens drastically. It’s never a quick occurrence. It’s slow moving like mist over a lake. It creeps up on you. It wallows and waits in the darkness until “you” is a thing of the past,  until there is nothing left to lose. Until the person “you” once knew is replaced by someone who looks like you, acts like you, behaves like you but is completely unrecognizable from the person “you” once knew.

That’s the thing about losing yourself, you don’t realize it until its too late. 

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“In order to have things you’ve never had, you have to be willing to do things you’ve never done”

Hard, but Necessary

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Friendly Reminder – Forgive

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Letting Go

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I really do think letting go of people is one of the hardest things to do! I’ve been through a lot of shit, but saying goodbye to someone, sorry, choosing to say goodbye to someone fucking sucks. Yes, I am completely aware that I’ve dicussed this topic before, but it’s just so pressing and relevant to my life that I feel the need to bring it up again.

Every time, I let go of someone it makes me realize the amount of strength neccesary to recognize that something isn’t for you and walking away. Nontheless we don’t just walk away from bad situation, sometimes we walk away from good people. The question that arises is why? Why walk away from good people? I read something today that reasonated with me.

Sometimes love doesnt align with our values.

I read this and it was kinda like an aha moment. I’ve been walking away from friendships and relationships with people, not because I don’t think they are fucking awesome, but rather because some of the things they are doing/how the are acting does not resonate with my values. Others might not understand, or better yet, others look at me like I’m crazy. However, it’s necessary for me.

If something goes against my belief system and my values, then it doesn’t matter how much I love you. The issue is not whether I love you or not, its whether I can accept what you’re doing even though it goes against my values.

My friend told me the other day that I’m very principled. I LOVE the word principled, and I LOVE that she associates that word with me.

Principled is defined as acting in accordance with morality and showing recognition of right and wrong.

I believe what I believe. I think what I think. I feel what I feel.

It is harder from me to accept something that I feel in my heart is wrong, then it is to walk away from someone I love because I simply can’t live with that type of turmoil in my heart.

At the end of the day, you have to do whats best for you. Not everyone will undertsand, and its not for everyone to understand. As long as its right in your heart, choose you.

 

 

Timing is Everything

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Everyone is different. The way that people react to things are different. You could think about every possible outcome, and still have the conclusion be completely different from the scenarios you pictured because you can’t account for people’s behaviours or reactions.

I’m a pretty open book about what I expect from the people in my life. Honesty and Communication. Plus the unpopular thought, omission is lying to me.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an empath or if I’m just wired this way, but I feel things really strongly. I’ve been called overly emotional, sensitive, and some other not so classy words. However, I’ve ALWAYS been this way since I was kid.

Fast forward to today I got some pretty upsetting news. Someone I considered to be my close friend is moving away to Quebec. I think under normal circumstances that information would be upsetting. Nonetheless, I was also told that she was leaving on Tuesday.

Let’s just put this aside for a second, and give you some context.

I haven’t seen her since June. We’ve been trying to see each other but busy schedules, it’s something you come to accept with old age. Today was one of the only days we could meet. We had plans to go clubbing, let loose. After the week I had, i was REALLY looking forward to it. I needed this. I had already started drinking and smoking – getting ready for our night out, but when I got to the hotel. She told me she was leaving on Tuesday.

It’s not just the news that’s bothering me. It’s the fact that I felt lied too again by someone who’s suppose to have my back. Why led me to the hotel with this vision of having a fun night out when she knew she was going to tell me this? Why not tell me before so we could have one night of fun before she left? Why tell me before we were supposed to go? I wonder if she thought she would tell me and we would go out and still go clubbing. Lastly, why tell me 3 days before you’re supposed to leave when I’m supposed to be someone you value?

Again, everyone is different and she had her reasonings. BUT I’ve been in that exact position before – getting summoned to have fun only to be told bad news when you weren’t expecting it? Especially when I’m living with PTSD/anxiety, frigging control is sooo important to me, and it was the third time this week that that was taken from me.

I tried to get myself under control, but I couldn’t. She tried to get me to stay and talk to her, but I couldn’t. I was in the midst of having a panic attack and I had to leave, so that’s what I did. I had to leave to take care of myself. To get myself under control, and to not lose control on her when I knew I wasn’t just upset about this situation. When I knew I was upset about my missing friend, my breakup, and my other-friend crossing a line. When I knew having news dropped on me like this reminded me of a time someone else did the same thing, but she waited till we actually got to the club because telling me on the dance floor what was happening in her life.

Everyone is different. Moreover, you don’t know what’s happening in someone’s life. The idiom goes, “Its the last straw that broke the camels back. Maybe if this wasn’t the only thing happening with my friends, then I could have handled it better. Nonetheless, that’s not what happened. In reality, her news was “the last straw” for my back and I broke.

I wish I could have handled the situation better, but I did the best I could. Furthermore, she might not agree with me, but I’m proud of myself. If this was old-me, I would have said so many things I couldn’t take back, instead I removed myself from the situation – something my ex has been asking me to learn for years.

Yes, leaving and not talking about the situation is bad. BUT exploding and not being able to take back the things I said is worst, and I choose the ladder.

Timing is everything. I wasn’t read to have that conversation at that moment, maybe that was selfish of me. As time goes on, I’m starting to learn that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. Sometimes being selfishness is the only way to take care of yourself. Frankly, I’m tired of being put in the position where I have to either choose to be supportive or choose to do what’s best for me. I was selfless for the majority of my life, I think it’s time I start doing me.