When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was absolutely reluctant to get treatment. I did my research – and by that I mean – I googled it, and I knew there were option two options.
Option 1: Talk about my sexual abuse and PTSD, in order to find ways to cope.
Option 2: Get on pills.
Honestly y’all, neither seemed like a viable option. However, you know what was – tree. It was so much easier and socially acceptable to be a stoner than it was to admit that I needed treatment.
Fast forward into the future, and I decided to get treatment. Oddly enough, talking about it with a social worker didn’t help. So, I went with Option 2. I am maybe 4 months in, maybe longer or shorter, and I feel great.
It does suck to have to pop pills everyday, but that’s a small price to pay for all that I’ve gained. To not have random panic attacks, days of not wanting to do anything, days of being overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. So many days lost feeling like shit. I told my partner that I didn’t feel like myself for almost 6 months. 6 months of me walking into the world, and interacting with people acting like I was okay. 6 months of me feeling like I was silently drowning in thoughts.
Nonetheless, those are days I can’t get back, BUT being on treatment, I feel like myself. I feel like this is a good thing, even if it took modern medication to get me here.
Okay, so maybe the title of this post is a little much. Very hyperbolic, but I really DO have a dream. I’ve been toying with the idea of making a scholarship for international students for quite so time. However, I’m not sure how to go about it. There is so much to consider. Funding. Donations. Deadlines. I really have no idea where or how to begin.
It’s one of those cases where you know you have so much to do, but no idea where to start. So instead of starting, you let yourself become overwhelmed. Again that word – overwhelmed – shows up.
Despite my static state, this is something that I want too and will accomplish within the next few months. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I am all ears. I will welcome any help I can get.
She can’t sleep. Too many thoughts.
One word sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling – overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve been getting attacked from all sides: friends, family and my partner. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I don’t do everything right. However, there is only so much one person can take.
I don’t see you enough. I see you too much. You don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You don’t add anything to my life. There’s always something with you.
I have every form of criticism on repeat in my head like a mantra. Since my grandfather passed, things have been hard. Maybe I haven’t given attention to those who wanted it. Maybe I’ve been leaning on my partner more than I should. But I can’t deal with it anymore. Enough is enough, and I’m done.
I’m in a hole. It seems like the more I try to dig myself out, the worse it gets. So I’m going to stop digging and let it be.
There was a time in my life where I didn’t care what people said, I was very content being on my own and that’s the place I want to get back too.
Dear family, friends and partner next year will be different. Next year I will keep to myself. Next year no one will hear from me. At least this way I can’t pester no one or disappoint anyone. This way no one will have to deal with me.
I choose to be a lone.