Take a Breath

Leave a comment Standard

Yesterday, I had an impromptu conversation with my mentor at work. I’ve been feeling really burnt out, and unable to find a balance between my personal and professional life – whatelse is new. While I was speaking to him, he said something that really stuck:

You’re doing too much.

I’ve always been ambitious because I always strive for better. I’m grateful for what I have, but I am always challenging myself to be better, to do better, to grow. 

In spite of my ambition, he did a really really good job at breaking things down for me and putting things into perspective. He was absolutely right, there is A LOT going on in my life:

  • I’m still learning my role at Indeed – I’m only 6 months in
  • I moved 2 months ago
  • I’m maintaining 2 blogs
  • I’m taking online courses
  • I’m cultivating a mindset of gratefulness and peace
  • Lastly, who could forget the 40+ hours of TV  shows I watch a week. Although, it really seems like that amount is going to have to decrease due to all of my other passions in life.

There are a few other things happening, but you folks get the gist. He was right. At this point in time, I am doing a lot, maybe even too much. BUT, that doesn’t mean something has to give just yet.

Once he was breaking everything down for me, I realized what I needed – a schedule/plan. It’s so easy to push things off until a later date. It’s so easy to put a figurative pin-in-it and forget about it. It’s easy to say you’ll “do it later” especially when later never comes.

I’m not at the point where I want to dial things back, but I do need to slow down and reevaluate my life and figure out my next steps. I need a plan, and SMART goals, and fucking time management. I need to take control over my life, and stop letting myself get eaten by this day to day hustle.

I love choices and options. My friends hear me say it all the time – why should I have to choose? Nevertheless, I’m starting to realize that there is power in choosing. There is power in deciding what’s valuable, and deciding what you put your energy towards.

I’m not ready to slow down YET because my job brings me joy and happiness; my blogs feed my passion; my courses help me grow; meditation and energy healing feed my soul; and TV, yes, watching that much TV makes me genuinely happy. The things I’m choosing to put my energy towards is making me happy. It’s feeding my spirit and it’s showing me I’m on the right path.

It’s a lot, I won’t lie. It’s overwhelming at times, but that’s why I’m so grateful for this conversation because it came at the perfect time. It reminded me that it’s okay to slow down, to amend your dreams, to take time for yourself throughout the day.

I definitely need to take a breather, but what I need more is to be me – the me-est of them all.

I will create a schedule. I will find time for my passions without feeling overwhelmed. More importantly, I will be me.

Advertisements

Timing is Everything

Leave a comment Standard

Everyone is different. The way that people react to things are different. You could think about every possible outcome, and still have the conclusion be completely different from the scenarios you pictured because you can’t account for people’s behaviours or reactions.

I’m a pretty open book about what I expect from the people in my life. Honesty and Communication. Plus the unpopular thought, omission is lying to me.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an empath or if I’m just wired this way, but I feel things really strongly. I’ve been called overly emotional, sensitive, and some other not so classy words. However, I’ve ALWAYS been this way since I was kid.

Fast forward to today I got some pretty upsetting news. Someone I considered to be my close friend is moving away to Quebec. I think under normal circumstances that information would be upsetting. Nonetheless, I was also told that she was leaving on Tuesday.

Let’s just put this aside for a second, and give you some context.

I haven’t seen her since June. We’ve been trying to see each other but busy schedules, it’s something you come to accept with old age. Today was one of the only days we could meet. We had plans to go clubbing, let loose. After the week I had, i was REALLY looking forward to it. I needed this. I had already started drinking and smoking – getting ready for our night out, but when I got to the hotel. She told me she was leaving on Tuesday.

It’s not just the news that’s bothering me. It’s the fact that I felt lied too again by someone who’s suppose to have my back. Why led me to the hotel with this vision of having a fun night out when she knew she was going to tell me this? Why not tell me before so we could have one night of fun before she left? Why tell me before we were supposed to go? I wonder if she thought she would tell me and we would go out and still go clubbing. Lastly, why tell me 3 days before you’re supposed to leave when I’m supposed to be someone you value?

Again, everyone is different and she had her reasonings. BUT I’ve been in that exact position before – getting summoned to have fun only to be told bad news when you weren’t expecting it? Especially when I’m living with PTSD/anxiety, frigging control is sooo important to me, and it was the third time this week that that was taken from me.

I tried to get myself under control, but I couldn’t. She tried to get me to stay and talk to her, but I couldn’t. I was in the midst of having a panic attack and I had to leave, so that’s what I did. I had to leave to take care of myself. To get myself under control, and to not lose control on her when I knew I wasn’t just upset about this situation. When I knew I was upset about my missing friend, my breakup, and my other-friend crossing a line. When I knew having news dropped on me like this reminded me of a time someone else did the same thing, but she waited till we actually got to the club because telling me on the dance floor what was happening in her life.

Everyone is different. Moreover, you don’t know what’s happening in someone’s life. The idiom goes, “Its the last straw that broke the camels back. Maybe if this wasn’t the only thing happening with my friends, then I could have handled it better. Nonetheless, that’s not what happened. In reality, her news was “the last straw” for my back and I broke.

I wish I could have handled the situation better, but I did the best I could. Furthermore, she might not agree with me, but I’m proud of myself. If this was old-me, I would have said so many things I couldn’t take back, instead I removed myself from the situation – something my ex has been asking me to learn for years.

Yes, leaving and not talking about the situation is bad. BUT exploding and not being able to take back the things I said is worst, and I choose the ladder.

Timing is everything. I wasn’t read to have that conversation at that moment, maybe that was selfish of me. As time goes on, I’m starting to learn that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. Sometimes being selfishness is the only way to take care of yourself. Frankly, I’m tired of being put in the position where I have to either choose to be supportive or choose to do what’s best for me. I was selfless for the majority of my life, I think it’s time I start doing me.

The Beauty of Modern Medication

Leave a comment Standard

When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was absolutely reluctant to get treatment. I did my research – and by that I mean – I googled it, and I knew there were option two options.

Option 1: Talk about my sexual abuse and PTSD, in order to find ways to cope.

OR

Option 2: Get on pills.

Honestly y’all, neither seemed like a viable option. However, you know what was – tree. It was so much easier and socially acceptable to be a stoner than it was to admit that I needed treatment.

Fast forward into the future, and I decided to get treatment. Oddly enough, talking about it with a social worker didn’t help. So, I went with Option 2. I am maybe 4 months in, maybe longer or shorter, and I feel great.

It does suck to have to pop pills everyday, but that’s a small price to pay for all that I’ve gained. To not have random panic attacks, days of not wanting to do anything, days of being overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. So many days lost feeling like shit. I told my partner that I didn’t feel like myself for almost 6 months. 6 months of me walking into the world, and interacting with people acting like I was okay. 6 months of me feeling like I was silently drowning in thoughts.

Nonetheless, those are days I can’t get back, BUT being on treatment, I feel like myself. I feel like this is a good thing, even if it took modern medication to get me here.

Leave a comment Aside

Okay, so maybe the title of this post is a little much. Very hyperbolic, but I really DO have a dream. I’ve been toying with the idea of making a scholarship for international students for quite so time. However, I’m not sure how to go about it. There is so much to consider. Funding. Donations. Deadlines. I really have no idea where or how to begin.

It’s one of those cases where you know you have so much to do, but no idea where to start. So instead of starting, you let yourself become overwhelmed. Again that wordoverwhelmed – shows up.

Despite my static state, this is something that I want too and will accomplish within the next few months. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I am all ears. I will welcome any help I can get.

 

Insomnia

Leave a comment Standard

She can’t sleep. Too many thoughts.

Overwhelmed

Leave a comment Standard

One word sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling – overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve been getting attacked from all sides: friends, family and my partner. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I don’t do everything right. However, there is only so much one person can take.

I don’t see you enough. I see you too much. You don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You don’t add anything to my life. There’s always something with you.

I have every form of criticism on repeat in my head like a mantra. Since my grandfather passed, things have been hard. Maybe I haven’t given attention to those who wanted it. Maybe I’ve been leaning on my partner more than I should. But I can’t deal with it anymore. Enough is enough, and I’m done.

I’m in a hole. It seems like the more I try to dig myself out, the worse it gets. So I’m going to stop digging and let it be.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t care what people said, I was very content being on my own and that’s the place I want to get back too.

Dear family, friends and partner next year will be different. Next year I will keep to myself. Next year no one will hear from me. At least this way I can’t pester no one or disappoint anyone. This way no one will have to deal with me.

I choose to be a lone.