The Beauty of Modern Medication

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When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was absolutely reluctant to get treatment. I did my research – and by that I mean – I googled it, and I knew there were option two options.

Option 1: Talk about my sexual abuse and PTSD, in order to find ways to cope.

OR

Option 2: Get on pills.

Honestly y’all, neither seemed like a viable option. However, you know what was – tree. It was so much easier and socially acceptable to be a stoner than it was to admit that I needed treatment.

Fast forward into the future, and I decided to get treatment. Oddly enough, talking about it with a social worker didn’t help. So, I went with Option 2. I am maybe 4 months in, maybe longer or shorter, and I feel great.

It does suck to have to pop pills everyday, but that’s a small price to pay for all that I’ve gained. To not have random panic attacks, days of not wanting to do anything, days of being overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. So many days lost feeling like shit. I told my partner that I didn’t feel like myself for almost 6 months. 6 months of me walking into the world, and interacting with people acting like I was okay. 6 months of me feeling like I was silently drowning in thoughts.

Nonetheless, those are days I can’t get back, BUT being on treatment, I feel like myself. I feel like this is a good thing, even if it took modern medication to get me here.

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The Lesson from my Ex

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One of my friends used to say, ” Everything is a learning experience.” It used to irritate the SHIT out of me. I would be crying about-how-some-guy-I-thought-was-the-one-ended-up-being-a dick, and she would sit there and nod, while whisper comforting things. Then say,

Everything is a learning experience.

Eventually, I realized she was right. This is why I can say I learnt something from my ex, despite all the shit he put me through. Yes, this sounds like a cliché. Nonetheless, it’s true. Even he knows it. (We’ve discussed this topic in the past.)

Before I tell you the lesson, another tangent. – I used to be a very selfless person.

With that said, the lesson my ex taught me is that it’s okay to be selfish. I always put everyone’s needs above my own. I got so used to giving, and giving, and giving. I forget what it was like to care for myself.

My ex forced me to care about me. He forced me to think about what would make me happy, and honestly it wasn’t until I met him that I started thinking about anything other than surviving. But, it wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I started living.

Universal, they say, “Some people come into your life for a season, and some come for a lifetime. Never mix seasonal people for lifetime expectations.With this quote in mind, in the comment section, tell me about an experience where a seasonal person taught you a lifetime lesson.

I Have NO Intentions of Completing my Masters…

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Yes, you read that headline correctly, I have no intentions of completing my masters, and you know what? That’s 100% okay.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with GAD, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching. And I’ve realized something. Adults always ask us the same thing, “What do you want to be when you get older?” A question that I’ve been asked repeatedly.

To be honest, I never really gave it too much thought because honestly I never pictured myself growing up. I NEVER pictured myself getting old having a career, etc. It’s just not something that came to mind. While my friends around me were picturing their futures, I was just living. Living – but not expecting much from the future.

So when time passed me by, and that question kept ringing in my head “What do you want to do when you get older?” I figured – I’m good at school, I like tutoring, and I like learning. Why not be a teacher? That was it. I was like a dog with a bone. I had planted the seed, and I grew a tree from it.

I applied to Concurrent Education Programs, got in, and started to follow “my dream.” The thing is, once I finished my undergraduate degree, I had to decide if I still wanted to become a teacher. Honestly, I didn’t. Not in the traditional sense. I didn’t want to teach middle school or high school. I taught in a middle school and absolutely hated it, so I figured I would purse high school.

However, just like that, another seed was planted. I heard myself saying “I still want to teach, but why teach high school? Aim higher, be a professor!” Then, I was on another dream. I applied to masters programs, got in, and started to follow “my dream” to Nova Scotia.

Now, the one thing I don’t tell people is that I hated it. I liked being away. I liked being in Nova Scotia. I liked my courses. I liked teaching. But I HATED writing my thesis. I threw myself into it because I knew I applied for it, and it was necessary that I completed it. But I never did.

I spent the last couple of months telling people what they wanted to hear.

I’m going to finish it.” “I haven’t had the time to complete it.” “It’s going to be done by the end of the summer.” 

I’ve been telling everyone what they wanted to hear, but I haven’t been able to admit the truth – I have no intentions of completing my thesis – not now anyway.  For so long, I did what I thought I had to do. I did what was expected of me, and now I want to do what I want to do. Right now, I don’t want to spend time writing something that makes me miserable. I’m happy that I was able to gain that experience. I’m happy that I was able to finish my course, yes, my thesis is the only thing that is left. Maybe I’m dumb for not finishing it, but I do know one thing – I’m happier knowing that I don’t have to complete it till I’m ready.

Let me just say, I’m not ready yet! No one better @ me about this. It is what it is. I’m speaking my truth.

My Boss WAS a Dick

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Now, I am not saying saying “my boss was a dick” because he is no longer one, I am saying “my boss was a dick” because I am not longer working for him.

When I got my first full-time permanent position I was excited; even though, it wasn’t in my field of study. I was ecstatic because I was 22 going on 23 years old, making 33K a year with relatively no bills. If I added everything up, I probably spent $500 on bills a month, which left plenty of money for me, food and alcohol.

Nonetheless, after my first month on the job, my boss – the woman who hired me – was fired, and less than two days later a new dickish boss started working. I tried, I really did try to make the best of a bad situation. I tried to make him feel at home, to feel welcome. However, two months into the job and I was miserable.

He made all these empty promises. He gave out half-ish compliments such as “you actually did your job well.” He made rude and unnecessary questions – “what are you doing? What do I pay you eight hours a day for?” I was the Activities Director. I planned and hosted activities, organized major events and sold trips to the students. After planning a Holiday Party for 200+ students and staff, several staff members and students LOVED the party. Activites. Games. Food. Beverages. It was a lot of work, but it was really well done. Nevertheless, my boss found me and said nothing. Actually, not nothing, he basically said it wasn’t a disaster and would have been better if I had alcohol. Alcohol for a school events with minors. *include face palm here*

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m young, but I’m not naive. I know part of the gig is working with people you don’t get a long with. I know that there will be personalities clashes, BUT I shouldn’t wake up every morning dreading going into work because of ONE person. I shouldn’t have anxiety attacks when hearing my bosses voice. Nor do I need to be recognized for the work I accomplished, but the very least I should feel appreciated, and I didn’t. Simply put, I wasn’t appreciated because I wasn’t.

As a result, I did what any person in my position would do – I found another job. It took about 4 months, but I am NOW employed with Indeed. I’m very happy and excited to be working with this company. I haven’t even started and I feel more welcomed and at home with Indeed, then I did at my previous job. I’m making more money and I finally have benefits – something my dickish boss has been “working” on for 6 months.

Anyways, I could ramble and give examples as to why he was dick; in addition to why I and other didn’t like him BUT we reached the part of the story where I got my revenge.

Ever since my new boss was hired, he made it very clear that he believed my position in the organization was unnecessary. He made it clear that he thought planning and executing activities for 100+ students was easy. Even when the auditor stated that the students loved “the teachers and the activities” – activities that I planed, he rolled his eyes and walked away. As if it was ungodly for the students to actual appreciate my position.

This, when I received my offer from Indeed, I gave my current employee two weeks notice. However, at the end of week one, I dreaded coming into work. Just knowing I had to see him and deal with him for another week brought me physical dread and anxiety, so I emailed him and told him I wouldn’t be coming into work that week.

Was what I did unprofessional? 100%

Do I care? NOT AT ALL!

When you’re a boss, when you’re in a position of power- your personality and presence makes or breaks a workplace. Your employees don’t owe anything to the organization or the job, but their loyalty to their boss will either make them stay or leave. People will give up promotions or wage increases, if it means working with a good boss. In other words, who you work with is JUST as important if not MORE important than who you work for

All I’ve been thinking this extra week off is – since my position is so unnecessary and easy, good luck hiring and training someone to do “nothing.”

How you treat people matters, and if you treat them like shit – best believe karma will come and kick you in the ass.

Job Searching is a Job in Itself

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Yes, I am currently working. However, I am not where I want to be. As a result, I’ve been job searching. I really want to work in my field, and although I really like working in the Student Services Industry it doesn’t give me much of a chance to utilize my English literacy skills. I recently went on an interview – well, two interviews – for an editing position. I was getting all the right vibes, they liked me and I liked them. One of the employees was actually giving me tips on how I should complete the editing test.

Th first test I did, I got 73% – not very good. But they liked me enough to call me in for a second interview. I re-did the editing test and I got…88% a lot better than the first time. They told me they would let me know by Monday, so I waited. It’s the waiting that’s hard, the not knowing. Eventually, Wednesday rolled around and I got a call.

The owner informed me that I didn’t get it. According to him, an employee, who is currently an Editor wanted the chance to become an Editing Supervisor. They pleaded their case. According to him, it was a tough decision. He could either go with me -who they liked and thought would fit in well – or they could go with someone who was already working with him. He did tell me in my first interview that he’s “loyal to a fault.” He always tries to promote within. So my job, the job that should have been mine disappeared right under my eye. He said the usual lines – “I’ll keep in touch. I’m keeping your file open. I’ll let you know when something is available.”

My mom called “bullshit.” She said if they wanted to hire me they could have. Who knows she could be right. The thing that sucks is that I always get this far. Not to be cocky, but organizations and companies always love me. They love my personality, my education background, and my potential. Then it comes to the part where I have to stick the landing, get the job, and shit like this always happens.

I don’t have too much to complain about, I know I’m lucky. Instead of looking for a job, I’m looking for the right job. I’m lucky that I can still pay my bills. I’m lucky because I have a job. However, my appreciation for what I have does not mean that my feelings aren’t valid. Job searching is hard. They say “job searching is a job in itself.” I just have to have faith, and pray that the right position is coming my way.

Trust vs. Respect in Relationships

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Trust and Respect are two very important pillars of any relationship. However, people often use the terms interchangeably. Since getting into my relationship with my partner, these two words are recurring topics. Being the writer that I am, I thought it would be best to blog about it, so I can get my thoughts together and out of my head. This is my opinion, I’m not saying I’m right and my partner is wrong. I’m not saying trust is more important than respect or vice versa, I’m saying this is what trust and respect mean to me.

First of, trust is something that I usually give people from the beginning of our relationship/friendship. My motto is “I trust you until you give me a reason not too.” Now, in terms of my relationship, I obviously trust my partner. From the moment we decided to commit to a long distance relationship when I was in school, I trusted him. If he wanted to cheat, he was given more than enough opportunities to do so, and he didn’t. I know, if anyone’s partner is going to cheat, they will. I trust that he wouldn’t do that to me, as naive as it sounds, I trust him entirely. BUT my trust in him isn’t just about him being loyal. It’s about me feeling emotionally safe with him, me becoming more vulnerable with him. For me, trust isn’t an issue. My issue is respect.

Again I say, people use these words interchangeably. If you trust me, then you won’t have an issue with so-and-so, or if I do so-and-so. It’s always if you trust me than you would trust my decision. Thus meaning, if you don’t accept their decision, you don’t trust them, which isn’t always the case. It’s certainly not the case with my partner and I. However, what about respect? Respect for your partner? Respect for your relationship?

Respect means understanding that two individuals do not think exactly the same. I understand that my partner and I have different reactions, different upbringing, that we are COMPLETELY opposite, which means communication is very important. However, I trytry being the key word – to look through situations through his lens. I know I’m not perfect, I know I get it wrong sometimes. I know I mess up too. It’s important to note, it’s not about who is right and who is wrong, its about getting out of my own head, and looking at things through my partner’s perspective.

Most people think, “I wouldn’t have an issue if s/he did this, so s/he shouldn’t have an issue if I do it.” Or, “I trust my partner, so I don’t care if they do so-and-so.” BUT that’s still looking at things through your perspective, it’s not looking at things through your partner’s perspective. In order to do that, you have to get a sense of how s/he views the world, which in return will help you gauge situations and decisions, with your partner in mind. 

Thus, before you make any decisions in a relationship, think about how this decision will affect your partner? How it may look to them? How they may feel? NOT, how you would feel if the roles were versed.

This does not mean that you are not a individual, considering someone else’s feelings does not mean your individuality is completely erased. However, what it does mean is – you are sharing your life with another person. Sharing your life means taking them into consideration when making decisions.

Again I say, trust doesn’t always beckon respect nor does respect beckon trust, but you need both in a relationship for it to function. With all of that being said, I would love to know your thoughts on this topic. Leave a comment and tell me what you think.