Timing is Everything

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Everyone is different. The way that people react to things are different. You could think about every possible outcome, and still have the conclusion be completely different from the scenarios you pictured because you can’t account for people’s behaviours or reactions.

I’m a pretty open book about what I expect from the people in my life. Honesty and Communication. Plus the unpopular thought, omission is lying to me.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an empath or if I’m just wired this way, but I feel things really strongly. I’ve been called overly emotional, sensitive, and some other not so classy words. However, I’ve ALWAYS been this way since I was kid.

Fast forward to today I got some pretty upsetting news. Someone I considered to be my close friend is moving away to Quebec. I think under normal circumstances that information would be upsetting. Nonetheless, I was also told that she was leaving on Tuesday.

Let’s just put this aside for a second, and give you some context.

I haven’t seen her since June. We’ve been trying to see each other but busy schedules, it’s something you come to accept with old age. Today was one of the only days we could meet. We had plans to go clubbing, let loose. After the week I had, i was REALLY looking forward to it. I needed this. I had already started drinking and smoking – getting ready for our night out, but when I got to the hotel. She told me she was leaving on Tuesday.

It’s not just the news that’s bothering me. It’s the fact that I felt lied too again by someone who’s suppose to have my back. Why led me to the hotel with this vision of having a fun night out when she knew she was going to tell me this? Why not tell me before so we could have one night of fun before she left? Why tell me before we were supposed to go? I wonder if she thought she would tell me and we would go out and still go clubbing. Lastly, why tell me 3 days before you’re supposed to leave when I’m supposed to be someone you value?

Again, everyone is different and she had her reasonings. BUT I’ve been in that exact position before – getting summoned to have fun only to be told bad news when you weren’t expecting it? Especially when I’m living with PTSD/anxiety, frigging control is sooo important to me, and it was the third time this week that that was taken from me.

I tried to get myself under control, but I couldn’t. She tried to get me to stay and talk to her, but I couldn’t. I was in the midst of having a panic attack and I had to leave, so that’s what I did. I had to leave to take care of myself. To get myself under control, and to not lose control on her when I knew I wasn’t just upset about this situation. When I knew I was upset about my missing friend, my breakup, and my other-friend crossing a line. When I knew having news dropped on me like this reminded me of a time someone else did the same thing, but she waited till we actually got to the club because telling me on the dance floor what was happening in her life.

Everyone is different. Moreover, you don’t know what’s happening in someone’s life. The idiom goes, “Its the last straw that broke the camels back. Maybe if this wasn’t the only thing happening with my friends, then I could have handled it better. Nonetheless, that’s not what happened. In reality, her news was “the last straw” for my back and I broke.

I wish I could have handled the situation better, but I did the best I could. Furthermore, she might not agree with me, but I’m proud of myself. If this was old-me, I would have said so many things I couldn’t take back, instead I removed myself from the situation – something my ex has been asking me to learn for years.

Yes, leaving and not talking about the situation is bad. BUT exploding and not being able to take back the things I said is worst, and I choose the ladder.

Timing is everything. I wasn’t read to have that conversation at that moment, maybe that was selfish of me. As time goes on, I’m starting to learn that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. Sometimes being selfishness is the only way to take care of yourself. Frankly, I’m tired of being put in the position where I have to either choose to be supportive or choose to do what’s best for me. I was selfless for the majority of my life, I think it’s time I start doing me.

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Friendship is Tough, but Letting Go is Harder

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I wasn’t always a sociable person, a people’s person. Actually, I was just the opposite. When I was in middle school and high school, I had a tight group of friends of about four people. People I could rely on and trust. I was friendly enough to everyone else. I knew a lot of people, but I can’t say we were friends.

It wasn’t until university that things changed for me. Once I hit nineteen, I could legally drink – not like I was drinking beforehand – and that’s when things changed for me.  Other than the alcohol, the other thing that changed was me. I was developing into myself, not physically but mentally. I was growing – still am. I was more in-tuned with who I was. I was also working with a therapist, so I could start the process of healing from my past trauma.

With all of these changes that were taking place, I was able to find people who were real. Who understood the pain I felt from my trauma, who’ve experienced things similar to me, who had the same values and ambitions. I created friendships, which were based on truth, honesty, and communication. They exposed themselves to me and I did the same – figuratively of course. This marked the end of my reign of solitude, I bloomed for the first time in my life. Thing is, no one told me that blooming, that letting people in would be so damn difficult. The connections I built, made me want to build more to expand my horizons. And I did, which is all fun and dandy till shit hits the fan.

You’re probably wondering what the hell is the point of this post. Be patient, I’m getting there. Recently, one of my close friends and I had a falling out. It was completely out of the blue. I didn’t see it coming at all. I really valued her friendship, she was one of the people that I opened up too while I was in university.

We went to a mutual friend’s birthday, and she was so cold and distant towards me. I actually went home and cried in my partner’s arm because it hurt. More than that, it was unexpected and awkward. Everyone else at the birthday noticed the friction between us, which made them uncomfortable. I tried to reach out, call her and see if we can work things out. However, it was just excuse after excuse. Last week it hit me, if she thinks I don’t “add anything to her life,” then why on earth am I trying so hard? Friendship is tough, especially for someone who enjoyed their solitude, but letting go is way harder.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not part of your destiny.”

The reason why it’s so damn hard to let go is because deep down, some part of us have hope. Hope that things will change. Hope that things can be different. Hope is good, but realizing that you deserve better is so much better.