Dreamt of flying. Crashed into reality.
Yes, I am currently working. However, I am not where I want to be. As a result, I’ve been job searching. I really want to work in my field, and although I really like working in the Student Services Industry it doesn’t give me much of a chance to utilize my English literacy skills. I recently went on an interview – well, two interviews – for an editing position. I was getting all the right vibes, they liked me and I liked them. One of the employees was actually giving me tips on how I should complete the editing test.
Th first test I did, I got 73% – not very good. But they liked me enough to call me in for a second interview. I re-did the editing test and I got…88% a lot better than the first time. They told me they would let me know by Monday, so I waited. It’s the waiting that’s hard, the not knowing. Eventually, Wednesday rolled around and I got a call.
The owner informed me that I didn’t get it. According to him, an employee, who is currently an Editor wanted the chance to become an Editing Supervisor. They pleaded their case. According to him, it was a tough decision. He could either go with me -who they liked and thought would fit in well – or they could go with someone who was already working with him. He did tell me in my first interview that he’s “loyal to a fault.” He always tries to promote within. So my job, the job that should have been mine disappeared right under my eye. He said the usual lines – “I’ll keep in touch. I’m keeping your file open. I’ll let you know when something is available.”
My mom called “bullshit.” She said if they wanted to hire me they could have. Who knows she could be right. The thing that sucks is that I always get this far. Not to be cocky, but organizations and companies always love me. They love my personality, my education background, and my potential. Then it comes to the part where I have to stick the landing, get the job, and shit like this always happens.
I don’t have too much to complain about, I know I’m lucky. Instead of looking for a job, I’m looking for the right job. I’m lucky that I can still pay my bills. I’m lucky because I have a job. However, my appreciation for what I have does not mean that my feelings aren’t valid. Job searching is hard. They say “job searching is a job in itself.” I just have to have faith, and pray that the right position is coming my way.
“Tell me you don’t love me” she pleaded with tears in her eyes. “Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave. You’ll never hear from me again.”
She searched his face, waiting for him to utter the words she knew would break her heart. Waiting to hear the words she needed to hear to move on. Words that would absolutely destroy her hopes – dreams of building a future together, dreams of children, dreams of a happy life with him.
“Tell me.” She didn’t mean for it to come out as desperate as it did. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted anymore. Did she want the freedom or did she want him? Was she ready to lose him or was all of this worth it? She couldn’t even answer her own questions. Simply put, she just wasn’t sure anymore…
As she looked him in his eyes, she could see that he was struggling. He was struggling to say what she needed to hear. She turned her back to him, and made her way to the door. Ready to accept the unspoken truth – it was done.
She put her right hand on the doorknob and felt a hand in her left hand. “I can’t tell you that.” he said looking at her. “I can’t tell you I don’t love you because it wouldn’t be true.”
In this moment, she still wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure if she should stay or go. If she should give up or try again. If everything he said and did was forgivable, if she even wanted to forgive him. But with all of her doubts, one thing remain true – she loved him. So what – they fought, couples fight. Sure, they had things to work on, but so does everyone. The real question is – are these things deal breakers?
As her mind raced, his mouth scrambled to say everything he needed before she left. ” I love you. I’m sorry. I messed up. I want to be with you. Don’t leave. If I let you walk out the door, I’ll regret it.”
She heard him, heard everything he just said and everything that was told beforehand in a fit of anger. She heard him, and she thought about it. She looked at him, and saw the regret in his eyes. She saw the man she loved looking down on her. She knew he meant it, knew he was right. If she left, she would regret it too.
Silently, she let him lead her back to the bedroom. While he unbuttoned her jacket, she stood still. When she sat on the bed, he ever-so gently took off her shoes. When he was done, he rocked her tenderly as she sat in his lap and cried. She looked up and saw the tears that were in his eyes, just waiting to fall. At that moment, there was nothing more to say. Yet again, love won and logic lost. Yet again, the heart had reasons that reason, did not understand.
There is one thing that has stuck with me since attending therapy – the importance of small moments of happiness, small moments of joy. One of my favorite quotes is:
Happiness is a mood not a destination. – One Tree Hill
Generally, people equate happiness with a specific destination. For instance, when I finish my thesis, I’ll be happy. Once I get that job, I’ll be happy. When I’m making 100K, I’ll be happy. Happiness is usually a specific idea of what we can or will accomplish in the future. The issue with looking at happiness as a destination is that we get lost in the journey. We become so focused on the goal/idea that life passes us by – an uphill hike to discover what will bring us joy.
It’s important to remember that life and happiness is a mood. It is something that everyone can feel if they allow themselves too. Happiness is a state of mind, a fleeting and temporary emotion. Nonetheless, it’s an emotion that we all crave and yearn to feel. Create opportunities for happiness, instead of picturing happiness as a destination.
Making myself happy is one of the most thoughtful things I can do for myself. I can remember my therapist asking “What brings you joy?” The first thing that popped into my head was “French Vanillas.” To this day, that answer remains true. When I’m having a bad day, I march down to Tim Horton’s and buy myself a medium French Vanilla, and it instantly puts a smile on my face. As does a lunch date with a good friend, reading a book, journaling, and watching a good tv-show. Find your small moment of happiness, appreciate them and incorporate them into your life where you can.
When is the right time to take a leap of faith? When is the right time to make a change? When is the right time to jump into the abyss? The answer is never. There will NEVER be a right time to jump out of your comfort zone, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t…
For the longest time, or as long as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher. So straight of high school, I applied to a joint Bachelors Degree and Education Program, 6 years then 2 degrees: BA in English and French and BEd. However, in my last year of university, I decided on a whim to apply to Master’s program. By the grace of God, I actually got into a program very last minute with funding. I abandoned my dreams of teaching in a high school and pursued my new dream of teaching in a college.
The big difference between the two (high school and college) was the amount of freedom I received as a teacher. Becoming a TA and teaching first-year students English Literature was my dream come true. More than that, I was good at it and I loved it. Choosing the material. Making lesson plans. Teaching. Answering Questions. Marking essays and exams. Man, I could mark forever.
The issue is that once my courses finished, my thesis deadline kept getting pushed back. A one year program turned into a year and semester. I am currently still working on it, seems like it’s going to be two years. The further the deadline, the further my motivation went. I felt like I was chasing a pointless dream. I felt like I was chasing the dragon, chasing that first high that would never happen.
Thing is, even if my masters was done to teach at the college level you need minimum three years of experience. How do you get teaching experience if people won’t hire you? Oh, it’s a very simple answer, you don’t. Catch 22, you need experience, they won’t hire you, so you never get the experience. Thus, instead of working in the area that I love, I’m working somewhere that I don’t mind. It’s good enough money, and it’s simple enough, but it’s not what I want to do. I settled. Well, I can’t even say settled, I grew up. Similar to everyone else in this capitalist world, I have bills to pay and I need a job to pay those bills. But I think I’m ready to stop settling, to work in an area that I actually love. Not something I could be good at, or something that I could see myself doing, but something I want to do.
This is me making that change, and stepping out of my confront zone. Choosing to be inspired. Choosing to be excited and energized. I will finish my thesis. I will get my TESOL certificate. I will get teaching experience. I will teach in a college. My goals and dreams will come true, I just have to be patient and diligent.
Okay, so maybe the title of this post is a little much. Very hyperbolic, but I really DO have a dream. I’ve been toying with the idea of making a scholarship for international students for quite so time. However, I’m not sure how to go about it. There is so much to consider. Funding. Donations. Deadlines. I really have no idea where or how to begin.
It’s one of those cases where you know you have so much to do, but no idea where to start. So instead of starting, you let yourself become overwhelmed. Again that word – overwhelmed – shows up.
Despite my static state, this is something that I want too and will accomplish within the next few months. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I am all ears. I will welcome any help I can get.