When is the “right” time?

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When is the right time to take a leap of faith? When is the right time to make a change? When is the right time to jump into the abyss? The answer is never. There will NEVER be a right time to jump out of your comfort zone, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t…

For the longest time, or as long as I can remember I wanted to be a teacher. So straight of high school, I applied to a joint Bachelors Degree and Education Program, 6 years then 2 degrees: BA in English and French and BEd. However, in my last year of university, I decided on a whim to apply to Master’s program. By the grace of God, I actually got into a program very last minute with funding. I abandoned my dreams of teaching in a high school and pursued my new dream of teaching in a college.

The big difference between the two (high school and college) was the amount of freedom I received as a teacher. Becoming a TA and teaching first-year students English Literature was my dream come true. More than that, I was good at it and I loved it. Choosing the material. Making lesson plans. Teaching. Answering Questions. Marking essays and exams. Man, I could mark forever.

The issue is that once my courses finished, my thesis deadline kept getting pushed back. A one year program turned into a year and semester. I am currently still working on it, seems like it’s going to be two years. The further the deadline, the further my motivation went. I felt like I was chasing a pointless dream. I felt like I was chasing the dragon, chasing that first high that would never happen.

Thing is, even if my masters was done to teach at the college level you need minimum three years of experience. How do you get teaching experience if people won’t hire you? Oh, it’s a very simple answer, you don’t. Catch 22, you need experience, they won’t hire you, so you never get the experience. Thus, instead of working in the area that I love, I’m working somewhere that I don’t mind. It’s good enough money, and it’s simple enough, but it’s not what I want to do. I settled. Well, I can’t even say settled, I grew up. Similar to everyone else in this capitalist world, I have bills to pay and I need a job to pay those bills. But I think I’m ready to stop settling, to work in an area that I actually love. Not something I could be good at, or something that I could see myself doing, but something I want to do.

This is me making that change, and stepping out of my confront zone. Choosing to be inspired. Choosing to be excited and energized. I will finish my thesis. I will get my TESOL certificate. I will get teaching experience. I will teach in a college. My goals and dreams will come true, I just have to be patient and diligent.

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Friendship is Tough, but Letting Go is Harder

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I wasn’t always a sociable person, a people’s person. Actually, I was just the opposite. When I was in middle school and high school, I had a tight group of friends of about four people. People I could rely on and trust. I was friendly enough to everyone else. I knew a lot of people, but I can’t say we were friends.

It wasn’t until university that things changed for me. Once I hit nineteen, I could legally drink – not like I was drinking beforehand – and that’s when things changed for me.  Other than the alcohol, the other thing that changed was me. I was developing into myself, not physically but mentally. I was growing – still am. I was more in-tuned with who I was. I was also working with a therapist, so I could start the process of healing from my past trauma.

With all of these changes that were taking place, I was able to find people who were real. Who understood the pain I felt from my trauma, who’ve experienced things similar to me, who had the same values and ambitions. I created friendships, which were based on truth, honesty, and communication. They exposed themselves to me and I did the same – figuratively of course. This marked the end of my reign of solitude, I bloomed for the first time in my life. Thing is, no one told me that blooming, that letting people in would be so damn difficult. The connections I built, made me want to build more to expand my horizons. And I did, which is all fun and dandy till shit hits the fan.

You’re probably wondering what the hell is the point of this post. Be patient, I’m getting there. Recently, one of my close friends and I had a falling out. It was completely out of the blue. I didn’t see it coming at all. I really valued her friendship, she was one of the people that I opened up too while I was in university.

We went to a mutual friend’s birthday, and she was so cold and distant towards me. I actually went home and cried in my partner’s arm because it hurt. More than that, it was unexpected and awkward. Everyone else at the birthday noticed the friction between us, which made them uncomfortable. I tried to reach out, call her and see if we can work things out. However, it was just excuse after excuse. Last week it hit me, if she thinks I don’t “add anything to her life,” then why on earth am I trying so hard? Friendship is tough, especially for someone who enjoyed their solitude, but letting go is way harder.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not part of your destiny.”

The reason why it’s so damn hard to let go is because deep down, some part of us have hope. Hope that things will change. Hope that things can be different. Hope is good, but realizing that you deserve better is so much better.

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Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

The Mandatory “New Year” Post

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It’s officially 2018, which means it’s time for the mandatory “new year, new me” post. Although it is cliche, a new year really does mean a new beginning for some. For others, 2018, does not mark change but rather signifies just another year – same shit, different day. For me, the new year symbolizes hope, change, and resiliency. But let’s put aside what a new year symbolizes for a second or what it means to you. Let’s focus on one word – self-reflection. 

The New Year is an amazing time for self-reflection. To evaluate what we have, what we want, and what we need. These resolutions are important because they allow you to reevaluate yourself. They may be the same resolutions you didn’t complete last year, but that doesn’t matter. You may try and fail again, but at least you tried.

So, instead of this being a cliche New Year’s post, this will be a post about my reflection of 2017…

From January to April, I was in Nova Scotia completing my courses for my masters. April – June, I was in Toronto, completely unemployed. June – August, I was living in Downtown Toronto working as a Residential Manager. August – December, I was working my first full-time permanent position, which is where I am today.  Although there were a few transitional periods in my life last year, I am happy that I ended the year with some sort of stability.

With that being said, I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted too in 2017. In 2018 –

  • I hope to find the motivation to finish my thesis.
  • I hope to teach an English Literature class.
  • I hope to become the person I need to be, the person I want to be.
  • I hope to change my mindset and become more forgiving and trusting.
  • I hope to change the decor in my house.
  • I hope to communicate better with my partner.
  • I hope to be patient with myself and partner.
  • I hope to make more time for my family and close friends.
  • I hope to make more time for myself.
  • I hope to take my health more seriously: meal prep, less fast foods, and more gym.

With all of these hopes and goals, the thing that means the most to me is being resilient. With this in mind, my final vow is – I will remain resilient.  I will keep fighting for myself. As long as I am resilient, I know I will accomplish all that I hope for and so much more…

 

 

Overwhelmed

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One word sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling – overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve been getting attacked from all sides: friends, family and my partner. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I don’t do everything right. However, there is only so much one person can take.

I don’t see you enough. I see you too much. You don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You don’t add anything to my life. There’s always something with you.

I have every form of criticism on repeat in my head like a mantra. Since my grandfather passed, things have been hard. Maybe I haven’t given attention to those who wanted it. Maybe I’ve been leaning on my partner more than I should. But I can’t deal with it anymore. Enough is enough, and I’m done.

I’m in a hole. It seems like the more I try to dig myself out, the worse it gets. So I’m going to stop digging and let it be.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t care what people said, I was very content being on my own and that’s the place I want to get back too.

Dear family, friends and partner next year will be different. Next year I will keep to myself. Next year no one will hear from me. At least this way I can’t pester no one or disappoint anyone. This way no one will have to deal with me.

I choose to be a lone.

New York

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I’m on the plane about to take off to New York. I’m so excited to go on vacation and visit distant family. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was a little sad. I know it’s only a week, but I will miss my family and friends. The people who always have my back through thick and thin. Although I’m leaving, and I will have a good time. I will eagerly await my return.

It’s Offical… I’m the Grinch.

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the grinch

Now, I’m not the Grinch because I dislike Christmas. Although I must admit, it’s not my favorite holiday. I’m the Grinch because as he so articulately stated,

Help me…I’m feeeelinnnggg.

There is something about the holidays that makes people joyful and hopeful. Maybe it’s the thought of gifts from loved ones or the knowledge that the New Year is among us. Whatever it is, it does make us appreciate some of the things we take for granted.

This year is the FIRST year I celebrated the holidays at a workplace or organization. The feeling is unlike something I’ve ever felt. Co-workers I acknowledge with a slight nod, walked up to me with small gifts in hand. Yes, I’m aware the generic card in their hands was probably given to even one else in the workplace, or that the message could pertain to me or Cindy Lou. But the point is, they tried and that’s more than what I can say for myself.

While they took their time thinking of others, I was thinking about how ready I was to runaway. Runaway from my responsibilities, from work, and from most of my coworkers. Nonetheless, receiving small gifts of appreciation, well-written Holiday cards, and hugs from the same people I acknowledge with a slight nod gave me the feels.

At the end of the day, while I was locking up my office, I couldn’t help but think about another Grinch thought…

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!

This Holiday season, I urge everyone to think about the things that do not come from stores. The “little bit more[s]” of the Holiday season, the things that cannot be duplicated or reproduced. The things that touch your heart.