Losing Yourself

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The thing about losing yourself is that you don’t realize it until its too late. You don’t realize it until you look back and the “you” you knew is no longer there. You lose yourself, over time. Little pieces of you. 

Every time you say “yes” when you want to say “no.”

Every time you want to say something, but choose to remain silent.

Every time you dim yourself to let someone else shine.

Every time you make yourself feel small. 

Losing yourself never happens drastically. It’s never a quick occurrence. It’s slow moving like mist over a lake. It creeps up on you. It wallows and waits in the darkness until “you” is a thing of the past,  until there is nothing left to lose. Until the person “you” once knew is replaced by someone who looks like you, acts like you, behaves like you but is completely unrecognizable from the person “you” once knew.

That’s the thing about losing yourself, you don’t realize it until its too late. 

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A Fleeting Moment

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I could feel him watching the side of my face like skin basking in sunlight, getting warmer and warmer. While he was trying to assess the situation, I was blushing like a school girl with a crush. I definitely made it easy for him because I was comfortable. I was comfortable.  A lot more comfortable than I thought I would be with a stranger. A lot more vulnerable than I thought the Scorpio in me would allow.

When he looked at me, I felt like he was looking into my soul. He said I was easy to read. A remark I never heard before. I found it quite interesting, but his reasoning is what got me. 

“You’re quite easy to read if you know where to look. Your eyes are quite revealing.” 

He was intentionally looking at me, so that he could see me. The unbelievable thing is one night together, and he did. He saw every uncertain thought that crossed my mind, any moment of discomfort or concern. He saw it all, without me having to say a word. He was so intuned with me and my energy that he could already tell when something was off. That’s when I knew – I was ready to surrender myself and go with what felt right instead of what seemed right.

I leaned into him, only a little. Just enough to let him know that he could, that I wanted him too. He looked at me before he met my lips, but when he kissed me it was slow at first, then very deliberate.  His hands moved to the back of my neck to pull me in and my body went flushed against his. I could feel myself moan into his lips ever so slightly. In that moment, that fleeting moment, I was his.

Maybe the word I used earlier was little unfair – a stranger – because he didn’t feel that way to me. He touched me and I felt myself melt into him, but only a little. It felt like I knew him before, definitely not in this lifetime, but I knew him, I knew that much. 

Now, here I am, sitting here writing about this moment. This beautiful moment that I was able to experience. This fleeting moment of bliss that I can’t get out of my mind.A moment that inspired and energized me. A moment that would never happen if I didn’t just let go and surrender. 

When I was with him, he asked”Why do you keep running from it?” It was a very good question. A question I am sure my subconscious knew the answer too, but I didn’t. So, I stopped running and I started feeling.

The Beauty of Modern Medication

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When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was absolutely reluctant to get treatment. I did my research – and by that I mean – I googled it, and I knew there were option two options.

Option 1: Talk about my sexual abuse and PTSD, in order to find ways to cope.

OR

Option 2: Get on pills.

Honestly y’all, neither seemed like a viable option. However, you know what was – tree. It was so much easier and socially acceptable to be a stoner than it was to admit that I needed treatment.

Fast forward into the future, and I decided to get treatment. Oddly enough, talking about it with a social worker didn’t help. So, I went with Option 2. I am maybe 4 months in, maybe longer or shorter, and I feel great.

It does suck to have to pop pills everyday, but that’s a small price to pay for all that I’ve gained. To not have random panic attacks, days of not wanting to do anything, days of being overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. So many days lost feeling like shit. I told my partner that I didn’t feel like myself for almost 6 months. 6 months of me walking into the world, and interacting with people acting like I was okay. 6 months of me feeling like I was silently drowning in thoughts.

Nonetheless, those are days I can’t get back, BUT being on treatment, I feel like myself. I feel like this is a good thing, even if it took modern medication to get me here.

Small Moments of Happiness

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There is one thing that has stuck with me since attending therapy – the importance of small moments of happiness, small moments of joy. One of my favorite quotes is:

Happiness is a mood not a destination. – One Tree Hill

Generally, people equate happiness with a specific destination. For instance, when I finish my thesis, I’ll be happy. Once I get that job, I’ll be happy. When I’m making 100K, I’ll be happy. Happiness is usually a specific idea of what we can or will accomplish in the future. The issue with looking at happiness as a destination is that we get lost in the journey. We become so focused on the goal/idea that life passes us by – an uphill hike to discover what will bring us joy.

It’s important to remember that life and happiness is a mood. It is something that everyone can feel if they allow themselves too. Happiness is a state of mind, a fleeting and temporary emotion. Nonetheless, it’s an emotion that we all crave and yearn to feel. Create opportunities for happiness, instead of picturing happiness as a destination.

Making myself happy is one of the most thoughtful things I can do for myself. I can remember my therapist asking “What brings you joy?” The first thing that popped into my head was “French Vanillas.” To this day, that answer remains true. When I’m having a bad day, I march down to Tim Horton’s and buy myself a medium French Vanilla, and it instantly puts a smile on my face. As does a lunch date with a good friend, reading a book, journaling, and watching a good tv-show. Find your small moment of happiness, appreciate them and incorporate them into your life where you can.

 

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Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

The Mandatory “New Year” Post

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It’s officially 2018, which means it’s time for the mandatory “new year, new me” post. Although it is cliche, a new year really does mean a new beginning for some. For others, 2018, does not mark change but rather signifies just another year – same shit, different day. For me, the new year symbolizes hope, change, and resiliency. But let’s put aside what a new year symbolizes for a second or what it means to you. Let’s focus on one word – self-reflection. 

The New Year is an amazing time for self-reflection. To evaluate what we have, what we want, and what we need. These resolutions are important because they allow you to reevaluate yourself. They may be the same resolutions you didn’t complete last year, but that doesn’t matter. You may try and fail again, but at least you tried.

So, instead of this being a cliche New Year’s post, this will be a post about my reflection of 2017…

From January to April, I was in Nova Scotia completing my courses for my masters. April – June, I was in Toronto, completely unemployed. June – August, I was living in Downtown Toronto working as a Residential Manager. August – December, I was working my first full-time permanent position, which is where I am today.  Although there were a few transitional periods in my life last year, I am happy that I ended the year with some sort of stability.

With that being said, I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted too in 2017. In 2018 –

  • I hope to find the motivation to finish my thesis.
  • I hope to teach an English Literature class.
  • I hope to become the person I need to be, the person I want to be.
  • I hope to change my mindset and become more forgiving and trusting.
  • I hope to change the decor in my house.
  • I hope to communicate better with my partner.
  • I hope to be patient with myself and partner.
  • I hope to make more time for my family and close friends.
  • I hope to make more time for myself.
  • I hope to take my health more seriously: meal prep, less fast foods, and more gym.

With all of these hopes and goals, the thing that means the most to me is being resilient. With this in mind, my final vow is – I will remain resilient.  I will keep fighting for myself. As long as I am resilient, I know I will accomplish all that I hope for and so much more…

 

 

Overwhelmed

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One word sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling – overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve been getting attacked from all sides: friends, family and my partner. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I don’t do everything right. However, there is only so much one person can take.

I don’t see you enough. I see you too much. You don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You don’t add anything to my life. There’s always something with you.

I have every form of criticism on repeat in my head like a mantra. Since my grandfather passed, things have been hard. Maybe I haven’t given attention to those who wanted it. Maybe I’ve been leaning on my partner more than I should. But I can’t deal with it anymore. Enough is enough, and I’m done.

I’m in a hole. It seems like the more I try to dig myself out, the worse it gets. So I’m going to stop digging and let it be.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t care what people said, I was very content being on my own and that’s the place I want to get back too.

Dear family, friends and partner next year will be different. Next year I will keep to myself. Next year no one will hear from me. At least this way I can’t pester no one or disappoint anyone. This way no one will have to deal with me.

I choose to be a lone.