The Beauty of Modern Medication

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When I was first diagnosed with GAD, I was absolutely reluctant to get treatment. I did my research – and by that I mean – I googled it, and I knew there were option two options.

Option 1: Talk about my sexual abuse and PTSD, in order to find ways to cope.

OR

Option 2: Get on pills.

Honestly y’all, neither seemed like a viable option. However, you know what was – tree. It was so much easier and socially acceptable to be a stoner than it was to admit that I needed treatment.

Fast forward into the future, and I decided to get treatment. Oddly enough, talking about it with a social worker didn’t help. So, I went with Option 2. I am maybe 4 months in, maybe longer or shorter, and I feel great.

It does suck to have to pop pills everyday, but that’s a small price to pay for all that I’ve gained. To not have random panic attacks, days of not wanting to do anything, days of being overwhelmed while doing absolutely nothing. So many days lost feeling like shit. I told my partner that I didn’t feel like myself for almost 6 months. 6 months of me walking into the world, and interacting with people acting like I was okay. 6 months of me feeling like I was silently drowning in thoughts.

Nonetheless, those are days I can’t get back, BUT being on treatment, I feel like myself. I feel like this is a good thing, even if it took modern medication to get me here.

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Small Moments of Happiness

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There is one thing that has stuck with me since attending therapy – the importance of small moments of happiness, small moments of joy. One of my favorite quotes is:

Happiness is a mood not a destination. – One Tree Hill

Generally, people equate happiness with a specific destination. For instance, when I finish my thesis, I’ll be happy. Once I get that job, I’ll be happy. When I’m making 100K, I’ll be happy. Happiness is usually a specific idea of what we can or will accomplish in the future. The issue with looking at happiness as a destination is that we get lost in the journey. We become so focused on the goal/idea that life passes us by – an uphill hike to discover what will bring us joy.

It’s important to remember that life and happiness is a mood. It is something that everyone can feel if they allow themselves too. Happiness is a state of mind, a fleeting and temporary emotion. Nonetheless, it’s an emotion that we all crave and yearn to feel. Create opportunities for happiness, instead of picturing happiness as a destination.

Making myself happy is one of the most thoughtful things I can do for myself. I can remember my therapist asking “What brings you joy?” The first thing that popped into my head was “French Vanillas.” To this day, that answer remains true. When I’m having a bad day, I march down to Tim Horton’s and buy myself a medium French Vanilla, and it instantly puts a smile on my face. As does a lunch date with a good friend, reading a book, journaling, and watching a good tv-show. Find your small moment of happiness, appreciate them and incorporate them into your life where you can.

 

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Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

The Mandatory “New Year” Post

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It’s officially 2018, which means it’s time for the mandatory “new year, new me” post. Although it is cliche, a new year really does mean a new beginning for some. For others, 2018, does not mark change but rather signifies just another year – same shit, different day. For me, the new year symbolizes hope, change, and resiliency. But let’s put aside what a new year symbolizes for a second or what it means to you. Let’s focus on one word – self-reflection. 

The New Year is an amazing time for self-reflection. To evaluate what we have, what we want, and what we need. These resolutions are important because they allow you to reevaluate yourself. They may be the same resolutions you didn’t complete last year, but that doesn’t matter. You may try and fail again, but at least you tried.

So, instead of this being a cliche New Year’s post, this will be a post about my reflection of 2017…

From January to April, I was in Nova Scotia completing my courses for my masters. April – June, I was in Toronto, completely unemployed. June – August, I was living in Downtown Toronto working as a Residential Manager. August – December, I was working my first full-time permanent position, which is where I am today.  Although there were a few transitional periods in my life last year, I am happy that I ended the year with some sort of stability.

With that being said, I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted too in 2017. In 2018 –

  • I hope to find the motivation to finish my thesis.
  • I hope to teach an English Literature class.
  • I hope to become the person I need to be, the person I want to be.
  • I hope to change my mindset and become more forgiving and trusting.
  • I hope to change the decor in my house.
  • I hope to communicate better with my partner.
  • I hope to be patient with myself and partner.
  • I hope to make more time for my family and close friends.
  • I hope to make more time for myself.
  • I hope to take my health more seriously: meal prep, less fast foods, and more gym.

With all of these hopes and goals, the thing that means the most to me is being resilient. With this in mind, my final vow is – I will remain resilient.  I will keep fighting for myself. As long as I am resilient, I know I will accomplish all that I hope for and so much more…

 

 

Overwhelmed

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One word sums up exactly how I’ve been feeling – overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve been getting attacked from all sides: friends, family and my partner. I know I’m not perfect, and I know I don’t do everything right. However, there is only so much one person can take.

I don’t see you enough. I see you too much. You don’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You don’t add anything to my life. There’s always something with you.

I have every form of criticism on repeat in my head like a mantra. Since my grandfather passed, things have been hard. Maybe I haven’t given attention to those who wanted it. Maybe I’ve been leaning on my partner more than I should. But I can’t deal with it anymore. Enough is enough, and I’m done.

I’m in a hole. It seems like the more I try to dig myself out, the worse it gets. So I’m going to stop digging and let it be.

There was a time in my life where I didn’t care what people said, I was very content being on my own and that’s the place I want to get back too.

Dear family, friends and partner next year will be different. Next year I will keep to myself. Next year no one will hear from me. At least this way I can’t pester no one or disappoint anyone. This way no one will have to deal with me.

I choose to be a lone.

New York

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I’m on the plane about to take off to New York. I’m so excited to go on vacation and visit distant family. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say I was a little sad. I know it’s only a week, but I will miss my family and friends. The people who always have my back through thick and thin. Although I’m leaving, and I will have a good time. I will eagerly await my return.

Am I a Writer?

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Am I a writer? This is THE question that has been circling my head for quite some time. What makes someone a writer? Who is responsible for labeling someone with such high esteem?  Finally, the answer came to me – I do. I realized that no one has the power to give you a label unless you allow it. No one has the power to tell you what you are and what you aren’t.

I am a writer. Even without officially publishing anything, or even sharing anything with the world. I am what I say I am. I have given myself the power and responsibility to identify myself with a label I deserve. Why do I deserve it? Because I am passionate about writing. I’ve been writing poetry, short stories, and novels that I’ve been too scared to publish because I was always asking the dreaded question: what if?  Today is the day I stop asking questions I’ll never be able to answer and do – what I believe I was born to do – write.

Today is the day I open myself up to criticism, compliments, and comments. Today is the day I start my blog.