First love. Circumstances change. Worst strangers.
I’ve always been called “The Grinch” and I accept it. The Christmas Season is not my favourite season, without going into extremes, I hate it. Something about this time of year makes me depressed and anxious. Above all else, its the expectation of this season that makes me so angry. The expectation to be happy. The expectation to buy presents. The expectation to participate.
Everything about this season is fake and obligatory. Worse than that, I don’t consider myself to be religious. This means that all the religious undertones and connotations do not mean anything for me.
This year, I am not doing shit. I’m not buying presents for anyone. I’m not suffering through dinners that remind me that I’m an outcast. I’m not doing anything because it does not resonate with me. More than that, I’m tired of doing things because I feel like I have too.
This season should be about love, gratitude and giving. However, I never feel like its the case. If anything this season feels like the opposite…
Who would think that being humble could actually hinder you in your life?
My manager has been talking to me about the next step in my career, and HONESTLY, I’ve been terrified to think about next steps. NOT because I’m not great at what I do cause honestly, I am. However, I find it very uncomfortable to talk about my accomplishments and achievements.
Also, I don’t like putting myself in a spotlight. To get unnecessary attention. It’s ironic when you think about it because I am very outgoing, but the moment the focus is shifted on me, I get nervous.
It’s even more ironic when you consider the fact that I want to speak publically for the rest of my life. Lecturing and Facilitating- that’s my shit.
In either case, who would have thought that being humble could hinder you in life? What I am finding is that every shy I shy away from my success because of seniority or age or lack of confidence or childish personality, I bring myself down. More importantly, lack of confidence is never sexy.
Being Humbled and Being Confident.
This is the balance I am now trying to find, but it’s so hard. With all of that being said, I only really have one goal – to not let my humbleness get in the way of the opportunities I have available to me.
The thing about losing yourself is that you don’t realize it until its too late. You don’t realize it until you look back and the “you” you knew is no longer there. You lose yourself, over time. Little pieces of you.
Every time you say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
Every time you want to say something, but choose to remain silent.
Every time you dim yourself to let someone else shine.
Every time you make yourself feel small.
Losing yourself never happens drastically. It’s never a quick occurrence. It’s slow moving like mist over a lake. It creeps up on you. It wallows and waits in the darkness until “you” is a thing of the past, until there is nothing left to lose. Until the person “you” once knew is replaced by someone who looks like you, acts like you, behaves like you but is completely unrecognizable from the person “you” once knew.
That’s the thing about losing yourself, you don’t realize it until its too late.
I could feel him watching the side of my face like skin basking in sunlight, getting warmer and warmer. While he was trying to assess the situation, I was blushing like a school girl with a crush. I definitely made it easy for him because I was comfortable. I was comfortable. A lot more comfortable than I thought I would be with a stranger. A lot more vulnerable than I thought the Scorpio in me would allow.
When he looked at me, I felt like he was looking into my soul. He said I was easy to read. A remark I never heard before. I found it quite interesting, but his reasoning is what got me.
“You’re quite easy to read if you know where to look. Your eyes are quite revealing.”
He was intentionally looking at me, so that he could see me. The unbelievable thing is one night together, and he did. He saw every uncertain thought that crossed my mind, any moment of discomfort or concern. He saw it all, without me having to say a word. He was so intuned with me and my energy that he could already tell when something was off. That’s when I knew – I was ready to surrender myself and go with what felt right instead of what seemed right.
I leaned into him, only a little. Just enough to let him know that he could, that I wanted him too. He looked at me before he met my lips, but when he kissed me it was slow at first, then very deliberate. His hands moved to the back of my neck to pull me in and my body went flushed against his. I could feel myself moan into his lips ever so slightly. In that moment, that fleeting moment, I was his.
Maybe the word I used earlier was little unfair – a stranger – because he didn’t feel that way to me. He touched me and I felt myself melt into him, but only a little. It felt like I knew him before, definitely not in this lifetime, but I knew him, I knew that much.
Now, here I am, sitting here writing about this moment. This beautiful moment that I was able to experience. This fleeting moment of bliss that I can’t get out of my mind.A moment that inspired and energized me. A moment that would never happen if I didn’t just let go and surrender.
When I was with him, he asked”Why do you keep running from it?” It was a very good question. A question I am sure my subconscious knew the answer too, but I didn’t. So, I stopped running and I started feeling.
“In order to have things you’ve never had, you have to be willing to do things you’ve never done”
The single life can definitely take you on a roller coaster. A wave of emotions. For me, it began with me in denial. Denying my status and the reality that I found myself in – the reality that I was no longer in a relationship. In my heart, I thought my ex and I would get back together, so I acted as such. I dated but nothing too serious because, in my heart, I wasn’t ready.
It’s never really the relationship you miss, its the moments that come with it. The laughter, the snuggles, the walks, the inside-jokes. Having someone be there for you, knowing you inside and out, and knowing someone inside and out – intimacy. I really believe it’s that intimacy that we all search for after – connection. In either case, it was our lack of self-control that kept us in touch after our breakup.
I knew I shouldn’t have kept in contact with him. I’m a clean-break-kinda-girl, but it was hard not having him around, so I did so against my better judgement. The things we do when we’re in love, or more accurately, the pieces of ourselves we’re willing to compromise for others.
In hindsight, it was my ex who brought me back to reality. He was the one who put out the torch I was holding, and the hope I had. He was the one who told me to “move on.” The moment he said, it was like a light went off. My heart hurt, and my eyes started to swell with tears, I felt like I was getting dumped. Nonetheless, his words showed me that I deserve more. I deserved better than what he was willing to offer.
That’s the issue, isn’t it? Why do we NEED closure from the one who broke our hearts? Why do we need to hear that it is okay to move on? Why do we need closure or confirmation?
The pieces of ourselves we are willing to sacrifice in the name of love, companionship, and peace. The values we set aside and ignore because we’re happy. Breaking up with someone is always hard, but everything that comes after is just as hard, if not harder.
What stage of the single life am I in now? I’m optimistic. I’m full of hope because I am no longer looking to my past to dictate my future. I know that there will be another great love of my life, and I have hope that he will be everything I deserve and more.