The single life can definitely take you on a roller coaster. A wave of emotions. For me, it began with me in denial. Denying my status and the reality that I found myself in – the reality that I was no longer in a relationship. In my heart, I thought my ex and I would get back together, so I acted as such. I dated but nothing too serious because, in my heart, I wasn’t ready.
It’s never really the relationship you miss, its the moments that come with it. The laughter, the snuggles, the walks, the inside-jokes. Having someone be there for you, knowing you inside and out, and knowing someone inside and out – intimacy. I really believe it’s that intimacy that we all search for after – connection. In either case, it was our lack of self-control that kept us in touch after our breakup.
I knew I shouldn’t have kept in contact with him. I’m a clean-break-kinda-girl, but it was hard not having him around, so I did so against my better judgement. The things we do when we’re in love, or more accurately, the pieces of ourselves we’re willing to compromise for others.
In hindsight, it was my ex who brought me back to reality. He was the one who put out the torch I was holding, and the hope I had. He was the one who told me to “move on.” The moment he said, it was like a light went off. My heart hurt, and my eyes started to swell with tears, I felt like I was getting dumped. Nonetheless, his words showed me that I deserve more. I deserved better than what he was willing to offer.
That’s the issue, isn’t it? Why do we NEED closure from the one who broke our hearts? Why do we need to hear that it is okay to move on? Why do we need closure or confirmation?
The pieces of ourselves we are willing to sacrifice in the name of love, companionship, and peace. The values we set aside and ignore because we’re happy. Breaking up with someone is always hard, but everything that comes after is just as hard, if not harder.
What stage of the single life am I in now? I’m optimistic. I’m full of hope because I am no longer looking to my past to dictate my future. I know that there will be another great love of my life, and I have hope that he will be everything I deserve and more.