Am I a Writer?

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Am I a writer? This is THE question that has been circling my head for quite some time. What makes someone a writer? Who is responsible for labeling someone with such high esteem?  Finally, the answer came to me – I do. I realized that no one has the power to give you a label unless you allow it. No one has the power to tell you what you are and what you aren’t.

I am a writer. Even without officially publishing anything, or even sharing anything with the world. I am what I say I am. I have given myself the power and responsibility to identify myself with a label I deserve. Why do I deserve it? Because I am passionate about writing. I’ve been writing poetry, short stories, and novels that I’ve been too scared to publish because I was always asking the dreaded question: what if?  Today is the day I stop asking questions I’ll never be able to answer and do – what I believe I was born to do – write.

Today is the day I open myself up to criticism, compliments, and comments. Today is the day I start my blog.

 

I’m a Bad Bitch

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Today I had to remind myself that I’m a bad bitch. For a hot minute, I forgot about all of the shit I had to overcome to get to where I am. I had to survive for such a long time that when surviving turned into thriving, I didn’t notice.

The funny thing about change is that it happens gradually. I didn’t even realize that I went from wondering about how I was going to deal with my sexual abuse turned into wondering about what I wanted to accomplish next. When fear and trauma no longer became something that brought shame to me, but rather something I embraced as a part of my life my herstory, that’s the moment I became stronger.

My strength didn’t come from other people’s views, but rather my own. I made a decision to stop hiding from my past, and live with it. Let’s get real, I’be been through some shit people couldn’t comprehend.

The sad part about all of this, is that I forgot. Things I wished for growing up, I accomplished and I forgot to recognize the accomplishments. I started to compare myself to other. Frankly, I got so accustomed to worrying about third problems problems, that I forgot about my herstory. My experiences. The experiences that despite the ugliness make me who I am.

I forgot that I was a bad fucking bitch. My apologies, that I AM a bad fucking bitch with a badass support system. A system that love the bisexual black fiery, tarot and crystal loving, energy reading soul that I am.

You’re a bad fucking ass, and don’t you forget it. If you do, remember who you are.

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Potential

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How hard is it to show someone their potential? To show them, that they can be more than what they currently are? That growth is possible? How hard is it to show someone themselves?

How hard is it to show someone their potential when they’ve had traumatic experiences? When they no longer have an image of who they are? When the very thought of having potential is a foreign thought?

Showing someone who they really care can be an almost impossible task when they don’t know who they are. Almost is the key word in that sentence. Even when something seems impossible doesn’t mean it actually is, especially when love is involved.

It’s not an easy task. It’s not an easy thing to commit to showing someone who they are. However, its never an easy thing preparing to change someone life, even when its for the better.

All I can say is – if you prepare to change someone life. If you decide to try and water that piece of themselves that they thought died long ago. Be aware that your actions, your love, your care, you attention could be the very thing that changes their lives.

Know how eternally grateful they will be for showing them a better way. In spite of the outcome or the current status of the relationship with that person, know they will always remember what you did for them cause showing someone they can be more is a very loving thing to do.

The Christmas Season

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I’ve always been called “The Grinch” and I accept it. The Christmas Season is not my favourite season, without going into extremes, I hate it. Something about this time of year makes me depressed and anxious. Above all else, its the expectation of this season that makes me so angry. The expectation to be happy. The expectation to buy presents. The expectation to participate. 

Everything about this season is fake and obligatory. Worse than that, I don’t consider myself to be religious. This means that all the religious undertones and connotations do not mean anything for me. 

This year, I am not doing shit. I’m not buying presents for anyone. I’m not suffering through dinners that remind me that I’m an outcast. I’m not doing anything because it does not resonate with me. More than that, I’m tired of doing things because I feel like I have too. 

This season should be about love, gratitude and giving. However, I never feel like its the case. If anything this season feels like the opposite… 

Opportunities

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Who would think that being humble could actually hinder you in your life? 

My manager has been talking to me about the next step in my career, and HONESTLY, I’ve been terrified to think about next steps. NOT because I’m not great at what I do cause honestly, I am. However, I find it very uncomfortable to talk about my accomplishments and achievements.

Also, I don’t like putting myself in a spotlight. To get unnecessary attention. It’s ironic when you think about it because I am very outgoing, but the moment the focus is shifted on me, I get nervous.

It’s even more ironic when you consider the fact that I want to speak publically for the rest of my life. Lecturing and Facilitating- that’s my shit.

In either case, who would have thought that being humble could hinder you in life? What I am finding is that every shy I shy away from my success because of seniority or age or lack of confidence or childish personality, I bring myself down. More importantly, lack of confidence is never sexy. 

Being Humbled and Being Confident. 

This is the balance I am now trying to find, but it’s so hard. With all of that being said, I only really have one goal – to not let my humbleness get in the way of the opportunities I have available to me.